The L_RD's Justice

I just found out that the Deming, New Mexico police arrested my ex on an outstanding Wyoming warrant of battery against a household member.  This was five years almost to the day (same weekend of the Labor Day holiday) that he frightened me enough with his tyrannical, ridiculous demand to severe all communication with my adult daughter that I left his house.  And I made the choice to say "NO" to such nonsense, knowing that division is the devil's tool and love is of GOD.  Nothing of his demand (see His Own Words post at very beginning of my blog) had any love in it - nothing.

I pray no one was hurt during what I am sure was one of his Mr. Hyde tyraids.  Was it an attempt to separate his new wife from her family, or did she assert her own will and he "lost it"?  I've no idea what it was.  I'm certain he tried to do what he watched daddy harry do with his wife/victim June - keep the woman isolated, try to keep her financially dependent, limit contact with family to reduce emotional support.  Sadly, a woman who doesn't know the tactics of an abuser has no idea these often subtle manipulations are being used on her.  When she comes to realize it, it may be too late.  Women like me, who trust others naively, simply can't believe another person could be so cruelly manipulative.  June, the bagad's (Hebrew for treacherous one, what I call my ex) stepmother, to this day has no idea that she was a victim of abuse.  She simply believed she didn't deserve to be treated respectfully, and even made excuses for harry's nasty words and his tyraids against her.  Another sign of an abused woman.

One of the things I remembered of my time with the bagad was that I had considered having eye surgery done that would have cost $5,000 to $7,000.  He offered to pay for that and at first I agreed.  I had even made an appointment to have it done in Houston - many miles away from El Paso.  The closer it got to the surgery date, the more I heard from the LORD not to do it.  And it had nothing to do with the actual surgery - it had everything to do with my financial and emotional indebtedness to the bagad.  Imagine, had I tried to say goodbye owing him the payment for my eyes!  He would have told me:  "This is how you treat me, after what I did for you?"  "If you leave, you'll have to pay me back."  Any number of statements meant to either invoke guilt or fear of not having the money to repay him.  So I canceled the surgery, and am so grateful I was obedient to what the LORD was telling me!  What appeared to be a loving and generous gesture by him was actually a calculated move to keep me in debt to him.  That is how people like him operate.

So, was he taken to Wyoming to answer for his crime?  I hope so.  Is his wife still with him?  I hope not.  He has become so crafty in learning how to manipulate a woman that, like a serial killer, he can easily pick his victims now.  But the time between crimes becomes shorter and shorter.  He can't control those urges of destruction he has and they emerge sooner and sooner.  I do pray that any woman he comes in contact with can see through his deception quickly.  And I pray no one becomes a true victim of physical murder.  I honestly believe he is capable of that.  Women are simply objects to him - they fulfill a function of sex and taking care of him.  He also needs to control them so he can make them feel horrible - the woman being the archetypal mother who betrayed and abandoned him to his raging father.  As I have said before, a woman's destruction is his primary goal in any of his dealings with them.  No matter what he says or does, no matter how "sweet" he appears to be, he wants you to be a quivering mass of fear and submission.

When I look back on my time with him, I can honestly say I was sleeping with the enemy.  How grateful I am to have understood what was occurring, to not break the vow I made, and to have learned to grow closer to my beloved Father.  I learned not to believe anyone - especially one who claims to be the LORD's mouthpiece.  I will only listen to my Father, the Holy Spirit HE has placed in me - the SPIRIT of truth.  How do I determine what is truth?  To see the Fruits of the SPIRIT in the situation and to go to Scripture.  When the bagad said to me: "do not love your daughter", I knew he was not speaking the truth; the LORD would never sanction such a demand.  (see the attributes of GOD in Exodus 34:5-7).  I have slept with the enemy and have survived.  Praise be to GOD!

THANKFUL

It truly is a blessing to be a teacher. To have the time to reflect on life, to work on things in the home, to travel, to read the Word of the LORD. I spent all day cooking for my family yesterday. And all the cleaning up that goes with making and serving food. Mmmmm...turkey was good. Seems that every year I make better turkeys; guess that's the whole experience thing.

Having time to read, to listen to my favorite pastors/speakers, to meditate on the TRUTHs that are revealed - it has been a good week.

This morning I was reading in the newspaper that there are a group of Christians that heckle people as they enter a movie theatre, telling them they are entering the realm of satan and they are hell-bound. I thought of the condemnation the bagad (treacherous one in hebrew, my name for the ex) would "preach" to me. How each small infraction I committed would serve to cast me deeper into the burning pit of eternal damnation. Hahaha - even when he was telling me these lies, I laughed inside. I have such absolute assurance that I am the Beloved that all his lies were ridiculous.

I thought of all those who present the LORD as a GOD of wrath, judgement and anger. As if presenting HIM that way will scare people into converting to Christianity? If they truly are in the LORD, how did they come to HIM? Because HE promised them wrath, judgement and anger? No, no, no. It is all about love. Did they not feel HIS mercy, HIS loving kindness, HIS forgiveness, HIS LOVE?! Yet now they tell others that hell is waiting for them if they do not come to the LORD through Yeshua HaMashiach? Well, it is true, but we do not bring others to a tyrant taskmaster, fear is not love. Yet we present GOD as HE is to us - those like the bagad see HIM as vengeful, judgmental and full of wrath. HE is not the same merciful GOD that gave them grace; somehow HE has totally changed. HE has become the executioner, using them as the one to tell others what they "deserve". The sad thing is that in their hearts they are the ones who feel they deserve to be punished - it is their reflection of who the Father is for them. They have once again fallen for the whispered lies of the accuser. They become his mouthpiece.

I envision the part in the Lord of the Rings where the Mouthpiece of Sauron comes to the gates of Mordor, to trick Gandalf and company into believing Frodo has been killed. The huge black mouth of foul spittle spewing out only words of hurt and disappointment, taking pleasure in the pain the words created. How I cheered when Aragon chopped his head off! When I think of the foul things the bagad would say to me, I see the same darkness. The same joy in thinking he was destroying my spirit with his deceit and lies. I felt the same roar of triumph within me when he told me to leave! What a blessing!

Many learned pastors have made this point clear: that you cannot give what you do not have - no love in your heart means no love can be given. That your relationship with the Father is the single most important thing that defines your current state. And why is this? Because, again, as we are so prone to do, we believe the lies instead of the TRUTH. All you need do is read Exodus 34:6,7 where GOD HIMSELF defines HIS character and attributes. Of course you inherit the inequity of your ancestry if you have not abandoned your earthly inheritance - yet we have a new covenant and inheritance in Christ. Hebrews 9:15 And just because your parents have died DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE NOW FREE of their inheritance. You must very consciously confront it and reject it, repenting for their sins. The bagad's daddy taught him how to control and abuse a woman, and he continues in that inheritance. He is not dead to that, he has not brought that to the cross and it is not covered in the Blood of the Lamb. Only when that happens will he be free and be a renewed man in that area of his life. Until such a time that he forgives his mommy, he will also never be a man - living only as a vengeful, destructive boy. I still feel a deep sense of sympathy for his new, unsuspecting wife.

I have so much to be thankful for! I am so grateful for my family, for my friends, for my students. For the opportunity to live in a country that is free. For all the blessings and favor my beloved Father has rained down on me. I can only accept with deep appreciation, and love others as HE has shown me love. This I cannot do on my own, HIS SPIRIT guides me every moment of every day. Toda raba!

The uneventful passing of harry, son-of-cain....

Just found out that the bagad (treacherous one) lost both his earthly parents within about 2 months of each other last year. His daddy's passing didn't even merit an obituary - of course, harry's funds were far less than the funds of his former wife, who demanded her death be venerated in the style she believed she deserved. All bowed down to queen rey.

It was one of the weirdest things when I came to get my son's things from the bagad's house and he asked me if "anything had changed" (in regards to my considering returning to him?). I asked him if anything had changed in his life that I might consider returning and he said "do you mean, did my parents die?" What was that supposed to mean??

Now I can understand his somewhat twisted mind a little better. I can only assume that he believes he is free of all the baggage he inherited from his parents if they are no longer present on this earth. Therefore, if they are dead, he is free. That's why he remarried soon after their deaths.

But he cannot face the inheritance he lives in; the truth that he has not divested himself of his earthly parent's sin just because they are dead. He has not faced the pain, he has not truly (in his heart) forgiven them their neglect and selfishness; and he carries a deep, dark bitter root within him.

He hates women. They all represent the abandoning whore who was his mother, and he re-creates the relationship he had with his mommy with a woman. He puts her into a situation where she must make a choice - pick the man or the child. If she picks the child, he loses, moving on to that one woman who will pick him. If she abandons the child, she loses (like his stepmother June, who harry manipulated out of a relationship with her children) . But I can guarantee any woman who cuts ties with her "wicked children" will be admonished at some future date for being a bad mother and abandoning her children for a man.

It is complicated, and he simply can't think past the pain of his childhood to just rest in the embrace of his loving, accepting heavenly Father. He will always carry the bitterness with him, lashing out at the world for his "sad past". Living past-present rather than present-future. He has condemned himself to a life of manipulation, control, and rebellion. He truly is just like daddy harry - the more I got to know him, the more I saw him in his son.

Like king saul, the bagad has opened the door to evil by lying and deceiving. He lies to keep up the pretense of being a "good christian", when in his house he demeans and terrorizes those who live there. And like king saul, he will fall upon his own sword. The sword in the Bible represents words that are spoken, and his own words will be his downfall.

I do pray he will come to repentance and allow Yeshua to heal him. That he reject his earthly inheritance and accept the inheritance the L_RD offers him. Yet I know he believes he has done no wrong, it is always "the others" that are the sinners, the ones who have victimized him, the ones who need to change. No, it is never he who needs to repent, for he is the righteous and super spiritual......... pharisee.

Freely you have received, freely give....

Our L_RD Yeshua spoke these words to HIS disciples. HE was speaking of love, mercy and grace.

This morning, as I was thinking of the passing of my fourth anniversary of my Yom Choofsha (Day of Freedom in Hebrew), I thought of the nasty person I left to his own devices. The bagad (treacherous one in Hebrew) lives the life of a pharisee. He wrote a song about one - he thought it was about his boss, but he was writing it about himself. How interesting that we see our own sins so easily in others.

Yeshua came to give us love, mercy and grace. We deserve death. That does not change.

Yet pharisees somehow believe that love, mercy and grace stops after it is given to them. The bagad is full of wrath, judgment and condemnation for others. He despises homosexuals, hoping they will be subject to eternal damnation. He despises me, and all women, believing they should be punished for his mother's lack. He honestly thinks he is the mouthpiece of the Father.

He IS the mouthpiece of the father. The father of lies, wrath, judgment, legalism. He is the pharisee who misrepresents a good, kind, merciful, LOVING GOD to the rest of the world. I have come to understand my Savior's wrath towards such deceit and treachery. If the bagad has changed, it is good. The fires of hell are not something I would wish upon anyone, even the bagad. But in his self-righteousness, I doubt that he has changed. He tries so very hard to be someone he is not. The appearance of a good, loving, self-sacrificing Christian. But his heart is black and murderous, full of rage and self-focus. I am so grateful, L_RD, to be free of his oppressive tyranny.

Thank you, my Beloved Savior, for Your love, mercy and grace. And yes, as YOU have given me, may I give to others. It is difficult to give to those like the bagad, yet YOUR love, mercy and grace are the same for him as they are for all. It is YOU in me that allows me to love, for I could never do that of my own will. THAT is a good and awesome realization!

The tricky question of divorce and remarriage...

My thoughts today are prompted by my finding out that my ex, who I call the bagad (Hebrew word for treacherous one), remarried. When I found out, all I could do is feel a great deal of sorrow for his third wife. That Cindy LaFragola will also come to know the truth of who she married, and will need to deal with that knowledge in her own way. My heart goes out to her, as it does to all women who are caught in the snare of an abusive man.

Of course, if she is crazy-in-love, and she has chanced upon this blog by maybe Googling herself, then she needs to stop reading. She'll just consider me one of the bagad's ex's that had no idea how to treat this poor, neglected, child-man. She is his savior, his compassionate help-mate, the only woman who could ever really understand someone like him.

But if she's had an argument with him and she wonders if she's lost her mind. If she feels worthless and dirty after he has "talked" with her, then perhaps she will want to know if she is the only one who has encountered the Mr. Hyde of the Dr. Jekyll she thought she married. Oh yes, it is a painful revelation. It was for me. And I tried so hard not to give up hope, thinking his love of me would conquer all the baggage he brought with him from his past. That was not the case. He had no qualms about insisting on his own way, saying he was the authority of his house, and the woman who does not submit to the man's authority is going against the will of the L_RD. If Cindy does come upon my blogs, she needs to explore them from the beginning of when I started writing them. That way she can gain some insight to how I left the bagad's house in the first place - his demand that I stop communicating with my daughter and make a "choice" of obeying that demand or ending our marriage.

Now that I look back, I realize it was against the Word of our L_RD that I even remarry. Today's pastors have conveniently forgotten those words when it comes to divorce and remarriage, and the bagad has, as well. I will not write all the Scripture, but please read Matthew 5:32; Mark 10:11,12; Luke 16:18 and 1Corinthians 7:10. In the Gospels, Yeshua distinctly says that the man who divorces his wife makes her commit adultery and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. Oy - some pretty clear words, eh?! I have made the decision that while my first husband lives, I will never remarry. That is obedience to the Word of the L_RD. Any thing else is destined for failure, for if we are to be HIS children and demonstrate our love of HIM by being obedient, we cannot rip out the pages or verses of the Bible that do not suit us.

Believe me, I do not judge those who have divorced or remarried. I just have come to understand that I was foolish to think another marriage might be successful if I was not living in obedience. It is also interesting to think of how I responded to finding out my first husband was remarrying compared to the remarriage of my second husband.....I was very sad with the first. With this second one, my only thought is extreme pity for the poor woman who he has deceived into thinking he cares in any way for her welfare.

I once asked the bagad what his intentions towards me were, and he could never respond. He is very clever, and will tell you what he thinks you want to hear, but he couldn't even do that. As the man that I loved, my greatest wish for him was to be the man G_D wanted him to be, to exhibit the fruit of a life lived in Messiah (Galatians 5:22), to show love to those around him so they would be called to Christ. Even with telling him that, he couldn't bullshit his way around my very direct question: "What do you want for me?" Because in his heart, he knew what he wanted. Like Saul towards David, he wanted my utter emotional destruction. He wanted me to feel as badly about myself as he feels about himself. I know I am loved, and all his lies, his accusations, his attempts to intimidate and demean me, were unsuccessful. It was a source of extreme frustration for him, and it was easy for him to "put me away".

The truth is the truth. We may try to conceal it, or ignore it, or distort it, but the TRUTH remains. And one day, we will stand before our Maker who will ask us what we did with what HE gave us. Do you think you'll be able to bs HIM? No. Oh, HE will see deep into your black and crooked heart, and you will fall to the floor. Hold on to Jesus then, be covered in HIS blood, so you will escape the wrath G_D will visit on those who are not covered. And yes, many who profess to be HIS are not. That was a lesson well-learned in the time I spent with the bagad.

Who was that nasty boy?

Time passes and it is such a blessing. Truly this year, after the third anniversary of the legal divorce from the treacherous one (the bagad), I have thought of him very little. Sadly, he comes up when conversation turns to idiotic and unreasonable behavior. When we need an example of a judgmental, angry, unforgiving and unloving "christian". Someone quick to condemn, someone seeking attention and admiration. That is sad, because it is those very people that have misrepresented the sweet and unconditional love of our Saviour, Yeshua.

Today is the first day of summer break. Ah.....what a wonderful thing it is to be a teacher! I know I'll never be wealthy, always have to count my pennies, but I am able to take time to soak in rest and peace. Some might call that lazy, I call it renewal.

Now I will focus on repairs on the stucco outside, on organizing the space I have in the garage to make room for my family.

My garden is a joy! I have planted the trees and shrubs that need time to grow so that in five years it will be a true xeriscaped landscape. As money permits, I will buy more flagstone and other pavers to cover up the dust and sand in the back. Now the plants will go dormant in the heat of the summer, except for those few that love the heat.

Yes, who is that nasty boy I once lived with? No longer my concern. Just the prayer that the TRUTH will always outshine the lie of his life, and that he will not be given the opportunity to ever again degrade or demean a woman.

Seasons.....

As was so well-stated by Solomon in Ecclesiastes 3, there are times and seasons for everything. "A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to love, a time to hate..."

There can always be discussion in regards to Old Testament words and New Testament words - do the words of Yeshua "wipe out" any of the Torah and the Prophets? No, I believe HE made that clear when HE said HE did not come to destroy but to fulfill the Law (Matthew 5:17). So when you consider Solomon's words, how harsh or how comforting are they?

When we decide to eat meat, we must kill the animal the meat comes from. Yet we keep our animals healthy so they might reproduce or we derive products from them (milk, eggs, etc.) Does killing also apply to a spiritual situation? Do not many plants die only to return in the seeds they have produced in their season of growth? Did not Yeshua say we must die to be reborn in HIM (John 3)? Those who love their lives will lose them. Are you not to die daily? This is a concept that applies a "killing" of self. Yet are you to engage in "killing" the flesh you witness in others?

In that sense, the greatest weapon is LOVE. When you see another consumed in the fleshy life of his past, living in a way that dishonors G_D, do you treat that person with hate and disdain? If they INSIST on continued disobedience, you must remove yourself from them. Telling them things they do not wish to face serves no purpose. They are the only ones who have control over their wretchedness - staying in their miserable state or living in the blessing of the L_RD. A pharisee is proud. A pharisee is arrogant. A pharisee believes himself righteous. When a pharisee looks into the mirror, he sees he is "chosen" because he "keeps" the Law. But he is a miserable failure at keeping ALL the Law. Remember - you have to be able to keep ALL the Law..... That is why G_D sent HIS SON! We are ALL failures (as Paul so well-examined in Romans 3). Tell a pharisee that, and he will tear you to pieces!

So you love them, but you turn away from them. At such a time when they desire to change, when they repent; then they can be approached. I think there are those who profess Christ, yet are stubborn in their religiosity. Non-repentance grieves the SPIRIT.

A time to love, a time to hate....

Ah, there are times my heart is filled to bursting with love and times I think of the bagad (name for my ex) and despise everything he represents. I don't hate him, but I do hate everything he has done. I hate his deception, his lies, his life of illusion. Oh, how I have hated his misrepresenting G_D's nature. I think I can say that I hate all in him that has been overshadowed by the devil's will. The flesh he cannot allow to die which is the devil's foothold in him. I guess you could say I hate the devil and all his doings in people's lives and upon this wonderful planet. The devil takes what is our pain and uses it to build that black hole in our hearts that he squeezes as it suits him. Using our wounds to whisper to us that we are unloved, unworthy, doomed to spend eternity with his wickedness. Lies, lies, lies!!! The devil is a liar, a thief. Yeshua came to end his wicked reign - should we elect to live our lives in the shadow of our Savior's wings. Truly, it is our choice.

It is wonderful that although Yeshua was probably not born at this time of year, the world celebrates HIS birth now. I join the world in that celebration, I have celebrated the Festival of Lights to honor the Light of the World. May the focus remain on HIM, on HIS goodness, HIS kindness, HIS joy. May we feel the warm comfort of family and friends and forget the nagging blare of consumerism that engulfs America at this time. May G_D bless us and may we hear the angels proclaim: "Glory to G_D in the highest and on earth, peace among men, with whom HE is pleased" G_D gave us HIS Son so that we might be redeemed - it is THE greatest gift.