Embarrassed looks

It was the oddest thing to try and explain to people how the person they interacted with on a superficial basis a couple of times a week wasn't who he appeared to be. I was the one who got the disbelieving looks. The web the pharisee had woven was an amazingly tight weave, purposefully constructed to make it appear I was the crazy woman and he was the victim. It had worked with his first wife, hadn't it?

A major flag in running away from a potential abuser is that they never take responsibility for the demise of a relationship. They are masters at blame-shifting. The reality of the horrid wickedness in their heart is too much to bear; looking in the mirror would shatter their entire existence - the very core and foundation they have built their house-of-card's life upon.

Stupid me! I thought Kathy (the 1st ex) was a crazy and vicious woman. I can now relate to why she wanted to hurt him as much as she possibly could, fighting for and winning custody of the dog. I actually thought that was pretty dang funny. And that it wasn't at all about love (and the dog), but about hate. And who could inflict the greater harm to the other.

So at the beginning of the "leaving him" process, when you are trying to tell others all the things you've read about abusers, its a total shock when they suggest you go to marriage counseling! "But", you say, "experts advise against couple's counseling in abuse cases, the abuser needs to attend counseling by themselves first"; the word ABUSE is the problem. In church circles, abuse simply is much too distasteful a topic. Best to remain an ostrich and stick the collective congregation's head in the sand.

Then comes your exclusion. The murmurs as you pass by. The fake-friendly "hello" with the quick looking down so further conversation is discouraged. Maybe they recall the time you desperately sought their help, sought to understand why he praised you in public yet demeaned and degraded you in private. And you were the one chastised, you were the one who "provoked" the spousal dissension. You were not the submissive wife.

But he was not held accountable for nourishing and cherishing his wife. And, the reality was that he is simply a madman who has everyone fooled. On occasion he might show a small sample of his rage and rants and foul temper, but then he just has an "anger" issue. ABUSE still being an ugly word. Not in our midst, they think.

And they hope you just go away. Which you eventually do. There is no comfort with those who once professed to be your brothers or sisters in Christ, only embarrassment of the dirty secret. I so prefer to be the whore weeping at Jesus' feet than the pharisees accusing her. Jesus' woes spoken upon the pharisees were some of the hardest-hitting words ever. Yet HE told the whore at HIS feet "who judges you now? Go and sin no more"

I've held my head high with no need to be ashamed of anything I have said or done. I elected to remain married and to also no longer allow him to treat me badly. I called him out when he did. I think he just couldn't stand it anymore.

The gig was up!

I understand why evil men like Scott Peterson kill their wives now. The whole facade of their false life is cracked and crumbling. Pretty soon everyone around him will see past the facade he has erected. What is behind the facade? The stench of his wounded boyhood and it will reek like a nasty bedsore.....best he divest himself of the truth and the reality he's now been called to face. Sadly, the divesting can be physical murder. I guess all of us hated women become the inconvenient truth abusers can't bear.

In his own words

I am attaching the letter he left me on my Yom Choofsha (Day of Freedom in Hebrew). It was on our bed with his 5-inch ponytail he had cut off. Apparently I no longer was attentive enough to straightening his kinky hair with a flat iron every time he washed it. When I came home that Friday, ready to enjoy my Labor Day weekend, this letter and his symbol of my lack was laying there. I elected to leave and let him cool off, but he let me know I didn't need to return. He stood in front of me, threatening to not allow my departure, but I think he could sense I was about to knee him in his sensitive parts. He followed me out to the car in the garage and grabbed me as I was getting in, trying to kiss me after he proclaimed "I divorce you" three times.
Hallelujah!
It was the beginning of my freedom from the tyranny of intimidation, manipulation, fear, guilt, and deception. (By the way, it was never "our home". In our five years of marriage, he never put my name on the deed. Classic controlling behavior....)
So here are his own words. Judge for yourself.


Rosemary,
I regret to inform you that we have reached a point where you need to make a choice. The choices you have are this:
1) You can recognize my authority (I am here by claiming in writing!) as your husband
or
2) You can choose to continue to live your life recognizing your grown daughter as your best friend, instead of as someone who you were supposed to rebuke and correct.

From your actions & words this morning, it appears you are making a statement that says you have authority to decide to over rule simple requests I have made concerning who is in our home, without our permission, during our absence.

I do not recall revoking a clearly stated desire that I do not want Daniel in our home when we are not here. (This was at the time of their last breakup, or the one before that) However, the authority I have in making such a request is not respected.

Earlier in the week a letter was delivered to our house. A strange thing happened when I put that letter on the kitchen table. The words “Lies & Deception” appeared in my head. I was so strong, that I wrote a note on the outside of the envelope, asking you to tell me about the contents of the letter. I asked politely. AGAIN, NO AUTHORITY! You have not responded to my simple request. You simply choose to ignore my authority. What are you hiding????? I hope it was only an advertisement.

So you have a choice to make. You can be my wife and respect my authority, or you can choose to sacrifice the rest of your life for your daughter.
If you choose dedicating your life to the dreams of your daughter, there will be no room for me.
Especially if it involves the need to lie. I love you and hope you choose to respect me.
I understand (and will not hate you) if you choose to be dedicated to your daughter. If the latter is your choice, then we should not waste any more time arguing. We will recognize it is what it is, and move on.
In exercising my authority, I am requesting all house keys for 304 Egret to be returned with the exception of keys given to you & Austin. Give me your decision as soon as you have made it.

Hopefully,
Mario



(Written and presented on August 31, 2007 by Mario LaFragola, currently of Deming, NM)

Please allow me to introduce myself.........

charmed, I'm sure. All the pictures of the antichrist as a wicked evil-looking guy are as incorrect as our expectations of a serial killer. When you look at Jeffrey Dahmer or Ted Bundy, you might even find them handsome. Just like a fish looks at the worm hanging off the hook, you see no evil. That is the lure of the devil, to lull you into complacency so you take the bait and then he sets the hook.......

I met him at work but he invited me to church. I thought that AT LEAST in this environment I'd find a man with a good heart, dedicated to living a life for the LORD. But in church is where we run into the wounded....some who truly seek healing but many who seek to transfer their pain onto others.

How kind he seemed when I first met him. Handsome, playing the guitar in the church band, inviting me to come and visit during rehearsals. The other people in the band encouraged me to try and play percussion - and I became like Linda McCartney in the band. He was critical of my playing...never mind that others found me to be inspiring as I lost myself in worship. Even with my inexperience I was expected to be perfect in one try. Just one of many hints at his expectations of perfection for a woman.....

My most awesome experience was that he invited his former lover to come and sing in the band as well. He could be the "christian rock star" surrounded by those women he had influenced to come to the holy house. It was a notch in his belt of christian converts, surely the more he had the better place he would occupy in heaven. "LOOK AT ME GOD, am I not a good little boy, bringing YOU these fallen women, these whores, these witches?" A competition in christian brownie points! I prayed so hard to no longer have feelings of inadequacy and jealousy as he walked to the dining room with his former lover, and I, his current sheep, walking behind in her rightful position of obedience. An amazing miracle occurred later on as I was delivered of the demonic lies I had come to believe in my 43 years of life. Oh how I burned as I became free!

Now I know that I am loved! I am a child of the KING and NO ONE can tell me that I have no value. YESHUA valued me so much that HE died for me, and for you and yes, even for the vicious deceiver who is your accuser. There is no greater, sweeter love than YESHUA'S love. All the attempts of making me feel unloved, unworthy, imperfect, vile, fat, or ugly were in vain. It actually became funny to watch the pharisee's frustration trying to accuse me of the things he himself was guilty of. I was like a duck letting the accusations run like water off my back. Submit to the LORD, resist the devil and he will flee from you JAMES 4:7

I've been examining lots of blogs from women who have fallen for the same deceit and treachery as I have. I know I have felt so stupid for trusting, but it is not my sin. It is the sin of the deceiver who takes your trust and tries to use it for his own gratification and selfish purposes. It saddens me that there are so many men out there who are that way.

In a home or community or nation where its woman are not treated with respect, dignity and honor, there can be no prosperity. Where the woman is degraded, demeaned, and disrespected, there is violence with a focus on power, not on passion. I live on the border of Texas and Juarez, Mexico. In the last ten years there have been over 400 unsolved murdered women found - how many are unknown? And now the drug cartel wars are claiming thousands of lives. Is there prosperity in our community? No. And there cannot be if we do not address abuse in our homes against our women.

The church has too long been quiet on this topic. It is all the "Sunday game face" they want to see. Heaven forbid they have any REAL issues in their midst. There was once a time that I was bitter. I read somewhere that bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die from it. Is that not true for us who so long hoped our deceiver would change?

I'M A SURVIVOR!!!!!!

I decided to start this blog out of my own experience with a Pharisee. I first called him Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but upon further examination, have been better able to identify him as a religious pharisee.

Verbal abuse in religious settings is a dirty secret. Even elders and pastors are loathe to address the fact that it runs rampant in their congregations - heaven forbid it goes on in their flock. Abuse knows no socio-economic boundaries. And the only ones who can truly comprehend the horrors of sleeping with the enemy are those who have joined that unfortunate sisterhood.

So, I invite others to ask questions and tell of their experiences. Sadly, my experience has made me somewhat of an expert.

I am Messianic Jewish, coming into a life with the HOLY SPIRIT since November 2000. Were it not for the gift of faith my LORD has given me, I would not have survived the abuse of a pharisee. Their purpose is an ancient one, going all the way back to the Garden of Eden......making you doubt who you are in the LORD.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, "Indeed, has God said, 'You shall not eat from any tree of the garden'?" Genesis 3:1

Remember, abusers are crafty as the serpent. Just like the devil, they hate women and all they represent. They can only give what they have, and love is not something they have any experience with.

I dedicate this site to my LORD and Savior Yeshua HaMashiach. May all of us who have suffered at the hands of deceivers, manipulators and intimidators achieve a life of skipping like calves. "But for you who fear My name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings; and you will go forth and skip about like calves from the stall. Malachi 4:2