I've not visited here for quite some time. In re-reading my blogs, it feels very satisfying to be able to express my disappointment - and yes, my anger.
I love to grow things. I purchased a house for me and my handicapped son to live in last year December and we are very content. The yard was in miserable shape and I've been working very hard to get some things planted and settled before the dog days of 100+ degrees of heat hit us. I actually put the plan of the yard - back and front - on some log paper so I could draw out where I want to plant particular plants. Then I grin because the treacherous one (bagad) would not have agreed with any of my plans. He had this way of telling you to bring up your wishes when all the while he waited to express his - which, of course, would be the only logical choice.
One of the many things I learned NOT to do from my experience with him was to plant any sort of pine trees! Good LORD, they are a mess to have. Pine needles in every nook and cranny. No sun allowed through so smaller colorful perennials could grow underneath. And his first ex was a horticulturist! I can understand that she was probably manipulated into following his sssssuggestions as well.
My son Austin is graduating from high school this year. Had I not been evicted from the bagad's presence at the time I was, this year probably would have been a major turning point. My son has Down's Syndrome and is now 22. In the time I was married to the bagad, he constantly mentioned Austin moving out as soon as school was done. There are home arrangements where handicapped people can live with 2-3 other special needs people and have a caretaker who makes sure all is well. There have been horror stories of abuse going on in these arrangements - not always, of course. I am sure there are many good people who have a heart to care for the handicapped. But there are others who just collect their social security check and they live in horrible squalor. No food, filthy conditions, even physical or sexual abuse. I just could not see Austin living with anyone other than me. Why would I remove him - he is my son who has limited ability to live on his own?
Now the bagad maintained Austin needed his independence - and others were SO impressed with the bagad's concern for Austin's future. Yet it was all part of the plan to remove my family from me, to have only limited contact. The way daddy harry made sure things worked out with June. Her family rarely visits and she rarely visits them. When she was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma, not one of her children came to spend time with her. I think they all know harry for the abuser he is, and know they cannot convince their mother of his wickedness, so they've decided to let the situation just ride. What can you do? I would have defended the bagad to the ends of the earth until I was enlightened of the truth of who he was/is.
Some of the ridiculous things I recall the bagad saying in regards to my children and his being a step-parent:
"I didn't have anything to do with the pleasure of making that child, so why should I have to deal with the problems?"
"I was never given anything I didn't have to earn, why should they?"
"You should not have anything to do with your daughter, she has not been 'raised right' and has evil influence on you"
"Well, Austin, if you want to have a girlfriend/wife, you sure can't have that going on here in MY house."
I'm sure there are many more idiotic things he said but blessedly they elude me. It really has been a blessing to make decisions that don't involve walking on eggshells....."will he be mad if I want __________?" What wonderful freedom to not deal with his sneers, his rage, his need to be admired and schmoozed. It is truly a joy not to have to listen to his mommy dearest telephone calls every week. Her rudeness in excluding Austin and me from any family holiday greeting - as if she knew he would never have any woman in his life but mommy. Why go through the trouble of remembering a birthday for someone who won't be around long anyway?! I can only assume she is very pleased he is all hers once again.
Although, I could easily imagine him having hooked another victim. So many of us enable mr. hyde when we think we've met dr. jekyll. It all goes back to believing the devil's lies that we have no value. Sadly, women are just so happy when a man says "you are beautiful" or buys us some flowers...... Then an occasional harsh word can be forgiven.....right? It was just an isolated incident, right? I'm sure he realizes how his words have hurt me, right? I really shouldn't have expressed my opinion to make him mad, right? I'll just allow it - again, and again, and again, and again, right?
