It truly is a blessing to be a teacher. To have the time to reflect on life, to work on things in the home, to travel, to read the Word of the LORD. I spent all day cooking for my family yesterday. And all the cleaning up that goes with making and serving food. Mmmmm...turkey was good. Seems that every year I make better turkeys; guess that's the whole experience thing.
Having time to read, to listen to my favorite pastors/speakers, to meditate on the TRUTHs that are revealed - it has been a good week.
This morning I was reading in the newspaper that there are a group of Christians that heckle people as they enter a movie theatre, telling them they are entering the realm of satan and they are hell-bound. I thought of the condemnation the bagad (treacherous one in hebrew, my name for the ex) would "preach" to me. How each small infraction I committed would serve to cast me deeper into the burning pit of eternal damnation. Hahaha - even when he was telling me these lies, I laughed inside. I have such absolute assurance that I am the Beloved that all his lies were ridiculous.
I thought of all those who present the LORD as a GOD of wrath, judgement and anger. As if presenting HIM that way will scare people into converting to Christianity? If they truly are in the LORD, how did they come to HIM? Because HE promised them wrath, judgement and anger? No, no, no. It is all about love. Did they not feel HIS mercy, HIS loving kindness, HIS forgiveness, HIS LOVE?! Yet now they tell others that hell is waiting for them if they do not come to the LORD through Yeshua HaMashiach? Well, it is true, but we do not bring others to a tyrant taskmaster, fear is not love. Yet we present GOD as HE is to us - those like the bagad see HIM as vengeful, judgmental and full of wrath. HE is not the same merciful GOD that gave them grace; somehow HE has totally changed. HE has become the executioner, using them as the one to tell others what they "deserve". The sad thing is that in their hearts they are the ones who feel they deserve to be punished - it is their reflection of who the Father is for them. They have once again fallen for the whispered lies of the accuser. They become his mouthpiece.
I envision the part in the Lord of the Rings where the Mouthpiece of Sauron comes to the gates of Mordor, to trick Gandalf and company into believing Frodo has been killed. The huge black mouth of foul spittle spewing out only words of hurt and disappointment, taking pleasure in the pain the words created. How I cheered when Aragon chopped his head off! When I think of the foul things the bagad would say to me, I see the same darkness. The same joy in thinking he was destroying my spirit with his deceit and lies. I felt the same roar of triumph within me when he told me to leave! What a blessing!
Many learned pastors have made this point clear: that you cannot give what you do not have - no love in your heart means no love can be given. That your relationship with the Father is the single most important thing that defines your current state. And why is this? Because, again, as we are so prone to do, we believe the lies instead of the TRUTH. All you need do is read Exodus 34:6,7 where GOD HIMSELF defines HIS character and attributes. Of course you inherit the inequity of your ancestry if you have not abandoned your earthly inheritance - yet we have a new covenant and inheritance in Christ. Hebrews 9:15 And just because your parents have died DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE NOW FREE of their inheritance. You must very consciously confront it and reject it, repenting for their sins. The bagad's daddy taught him how to control and abuse a woman, and he continues in that inheritance. He is not dead to that, he has not brought that to the cross and it is not covered in the Blood of the Lamb. Only when that happens will he be free and be a renewed man in that area of his life. Until such a time that he forgives his mommy, he will also never be a man - living only as a vengeful, destructive boy. I still feel a deep sense of sympathy for his new, unsuspecting wife.
I have so much to be thankful for! I am so grateful for my family, for my friends, for my students. For the opportunity to live in a country that is free. For all the blessings and favor my beloved Father has rained down on me. I can only accept with deep appreciation, and love others as HE has shown me love. This I cannot do on my own, HIS SPIRIT guides me every moment of every day. Toda raba!
Friday, November 25, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
The uneventful passing of harry, son-of-cain....
Just found out that the bagad (treacherous one) lost both his earthly parents within about 2 months of each other last year. His daddy's passing didn't even merit an obituary - of course, harry's funds were far less than the funds of his former wife, who demanded her death be venerated in the style she believed she deserved. All bowed down to queen rey.
It was one of the weirdest things when I came to get my son's things from the bagad's house and he asked me if "anything had changed" (in regards to my considering returning to him?). I asked him if anything had changed in his life that I might consider returning and he said "do you mean, did my parents die?" What was that supposed to mean??
Now I can understand his somewhat twisted mind a little better. I can only assume that he believes he is free of all the baggage he inherited from his parents if they are no longer present on this earth. Therefore, if they are dead, he is free. That's why he remarried soon after their deaths.
But he cannot face the inheritance he lives in; the truth that he has not divested himself of his earthly parent's sin just because they are dead. He has not faced the pain, he has not truly (in his heart) forgiven them their neglect and selfishness; and he carries a deep, dark bitter root within him.
He hates women. They all represent the abandoning whore who was his mother, and he re-creates the relationship he had with his mommy with a woman. He puts her into a situation where she must make a choice - pick the man or the child. If she picks the child, he loses, moving on to that one woman who will pick him. If she abandons the child, she loses (like his stepmother June, who harry manipulated out of a relationship with her children) . But I can guarantee any woman who cuts ties with her "wicked children" will be admonished at some future date for being a bad mother and abandoning her children for a man.
It is complicated, and he simply can't think past the pain of his childhood to just rest in the embrace of his loving, accepting heavenly Father. He will always carry the bitterness with him, lashing out at the world for his "sad past". Living past-present rather than present-future. He has condemned himself to a life of manipulation, control, and rebellion. He truly is just like daddy harry - the more I got to know him, the more I saw him in his son.
Like king saul, the bagad has opened the door to evil by lying and deceiving. He lies to keep up the pretense of being a "good christian", when in his house he demeans and terrorizes those who live there. And like king saul, he will fall upon his own sword. The sword in the Bible represents words that are spoken, and his own words will be his downfall.
I do pray he will come to repentance and allow Yeshua to heal him. That he reject his earthly inheritance and accept the inheritance the L_RD offers him. Yet I know he believes he has done no wrong, it is always "the others" that are the sinners, the ones who have victimized him, the ones who need to change. No, it is never he who needs to repent, for he is the righteous and super spiritual......... pharisee.
It was one of the weirdest things when I came to get my son's things from the bagad's house and he asked me if "anything had changed" (in regards to my considering returning to him?). I asked him if anything had changed in his life that I might consider returning and he said "do you mean, did my parents die?" What was that supposed to mean??
Now I can understand his somewhat twisted mind a little better. I can only assume that he believes he is free of all the baggage he inherited from his parents if they are no longer present on this earth. Therefore, if they are dead, he is free. That's why he remarried soon after their deaths.
But he cannot face the inheritance he lives in; the truth that he has not divested himself of his earthly parent's sin just because they are dead. He has not faced the pain, he has not truly (in his heart) forgiven them their neglect and selfishness; and he carries a deep, dark bitter root within him.
He hates women. They all represent the abandoning whore who was his mother, and he re-creates the relationship he had with his mommy with a woman. He puts her into a situation where she must make a choice - pick the man or the child. If she picks the child, he loses, moving on to that one woman who will pick him. If she abandons the child, she loses (like his stepmother June, who harry manipulated out of a relationship with her children) . But I can guarantee any woman who cuts ties with her "wicked children" will be admonished at some future date for being a bad mother and abandoning her children for a man.
It is complicated, and he simply can't think past the pain of his childhood to just rest in the embrace of his loving, accepting heavenly Father. He will always carry the bitterness with him, lashing out at the world for his "sad past". Living past-present rather than present-future. He has condemned himself to a life of manipulation, control, and rebellion. He truly is just like daddy harry - the more I got to know him, the more I saw him in his son.
Like king saul, the bagad has opened the door to evil by lying and deceiving. He lies to keep up the pretense of being a "good christian", when in his house he demeans and terrorizes those who live there. And like king saul, he will fall upon his own sword. The sword in the Bible represents words that are spoken, and his own words will be his downfall.
I do pray he will come to repentance and allow Yeshua to heal him. That he reject his earthly inheritance and accept the inheritance the L_RD offers him. Yet I know he believes he has done no wrong, it is always "the others" that are the sinners, the ones who have victimized him, the ones who need to change. No, it is never he who needs to repent, for he is the righteous and super spiritual......... pharisee.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Freely you have received, freely give....
Our L_RD Yeshua spoke these words to HIS disciples. HE was speaking of love, mercy and grace.
This morning, as I was thinking of the passing of my fourth anniversary of my Yom Choofsha (Day of Freedom in Hebrew), I thought of the nasty person I left to his own devices. The bagad (treacherous one in Hebrew) lives the life of a pharisee. He wrote a song about one - he thought it was about his boss, but he was writing it about himself. How interesting that we see our own sins so easily in others.
Yeshua came to give us love, mercy and grace. We deserve death. That does not change.
Yet pharisees somehow believe that love, mercy and grace stops after it is given to them. The bagad is full of wrath, judgment and condemnation for others. He despises homosexuals, hoping they will be subject to eternal damnation. He despises me, and all women, believing they should be punished for his mother's lack. He honestly thinks he is the mouthpiece of the Father.
He IS the mouthpiece of the father. The father of lies, wrath, judgment, legalism. He is the pharisee who misrepresents a good, kind, merciful, LOVING GOD to the rest of the world. I have come to understand my Savior's wrath towards such deceit and treachery. If the bagad has changed, it is good. The fires of hell are not something I would wish upon anyone, even the bagad. But in his self-righteousness, I doubt that he has changed. He tries so very hard to be someone he is not. The appearance of a good, loving, self-sacrificing Christian. But his heart is black and murderous, full of rage and self-focus. I am so grateful, L_RD, to be free of his oppressive tyranny.
Thank you, my Beloved Savior, for Your love, mercy and grace. And yes, as YOU have given me, may I give to others. It is difficult to give to those like the bagad, yet YOUR love, mercy and grace are the same for him as they are for all. It is YOU in me that allows me to love, for I could never do that of my own will. THAT is a good and awesome realization!
This morning, as I was thinking of the passing of my fourth anniversary of my Yom Choofsha (Day of Freedom in Hebrew), I thought of the nasty person I left to his own devices. The bagad (treacherous one in Hebrew) lives the life of a pharisee. He wrote a song about one - he thought it was about his boss, but he was writing it about himself. How interesting that we see our own sins so easily in others.
Yeshua came to give us love, mercy and grace. We deserve death. That does not change.
Yet pharisees somehow believe that love, mercy and grace stops after it is given to them. The bagad is full of wrath, judgment and condemnation for others. He despises homosexuals, hoping they will be subject to eternal damnation. He despises me, and all women, believing they should be punished for his mother's lack. He honestly thinks he is the mouthpiece of the Father.
He IS the mouthpiece of the father. The father of lies, wrath, judgment, legalism. He is the pharisee who misrepresents a good, kind, merciful, LOVING GOD to the rest of the world. I have come to understand my Savior's wrath towards such deceit and treachery. If the bagad has changed, it is good. The fires of hell are not something I would wish upon anyone, even the bagad. But in his self-righteousness, I doubt that he has changed. He tries so very hard to be someone he is not. The appearance of a good, loving, self-sacrificing Christian. But his heart is black and murderous, full of rage and self-focus. I am so grateful, L_RD, to be free of his oppressive tyranny.
Thank you, my Beloved Savior, for Your love, mercy and grace. And yes, as YOU have given me, may I give to others. It is difficult to give to those like the bagad, yet YOUR love, mercy and grace are the same for him as they are for all. It is YOU in me that allows me to love, for I could never do that of my own will. THAT is a good and awesome realization!
Friday, June 24, 2011
The tricky question of divorce and remarriage...
My thoughts today are prompted by my finding out that my ex, who I call the bagad (Hebrew word for treacherous one), remarried. When I found out, all I could do is feel a great deal of sorrow for his third wife. That Cindy LaFragola will also come to know the truth of who she married, and will need to deal with that knowledge in her own way. My heart goes out to her, as it does to all women who are caught in the snare of an abusive man.
Of course, if she is crazy-in-love, and she has chanced upon this blog by maybe Googling herself, then she needs to stop reading. She'll just consider me one of the bagad's ex's that had no idea how to treat this poor, neglected, child-man. She is his savior, his compassionate help-mate, the only woman who could ever really understand someone like him.
But if she's had an argument with him and she wonders if she's lost her mind. If she feels worthless and dirty after he has "talked" with her, then perhaps she will want to know if she is the only one who has encountered the Mr. Hyde of the Dr. Jekyll she thought she married. Oh yes, it is a painful revelation. It was for me. And I tried so hard not to give up hope, thinking his love of me would conquer all the baggage he brought with him from his past. That was not the case. He had no qualms about insisting on his own way, saying he was the authority of his house, and the woman who does not submit to the man's authority is going against the will of the L_RD. If Cindy does come upon my blogs, she needs to explore them from the beginning of when I started writing them. That way she can gain some insight to how I left the bagad's house in the first place - his demand that I stop communicating with my daughter and make a "choice" of obeying that demand or ending our marriage.
Now that I look back, I realize it was against the Word of our L_RD that I even remarry. Today's pastors have conveniently forgotten those words when it comes to divorce and remarriage, and the bagad has, as well. I will not write all the Scripture, but please read Matthew 5:32; Mark 10:11,12; Luke 16:18 and 1Corinthians 7:10. In the Gospels, Yeshua distinctly says that the man who divorces his wife makes her commit adultery and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. Oy - some pretty clear words, eh?! I have made the decision that while my first husband lives, I will never remarry. That is obedience to the Word of the L_RD. Any thing else is destined for failure, for if we are to be HIS children and demonstrate our love of HIM by being obedient, we cannot rip out the pages or verses of the Bible that do not suit us.
Believe me, I do not judge those who have divorced or remarried. I just have come to understand that I was foolish to think another marriage might be successful if I was not living in obedience. It is also interesting to think of how I responded to finding out my first husband was remarrying compared to the remarriage of my second husband.....I was very sad with the first. With this second one, my only thought is extreme pity for the poor woman who he has deceived into thinking he cares in any way for her welfare.
I once asked the bagad what his intentions towards me were, and he could never respond. He is very clever, and will tell you what he thinks you want to hear, but he couldn't even do that. As the man that I loved, my greatest wish for him was to be the man G_D wanted him to be, to exhibit the fruit of a life lived in Messiah (Galatians 5:22), to show love to those around him so they would be called to Christ. Even with telling him that, he couldn't bullshit his way around my very direct question: "What do you want for me?" Because in his heart, he knew what he wanted. Like Saul towards David, he wanted my utter emotional destruction. He wanted me to feel as badly about myself as he feels about himself. I know I am loved, and all his lies, his accusations, his attempts to intimidate and demean me, were unsuccessful. It was a source of extreme frustration for him, and it was easy for him to "put me away".
The truth is the truth. We may try to conceal it, or ignore it, or distort it, but the TRUTH remains. And one day, we will stand before our Maker who will ask us what we did with what HE gave us. Do you think you'll be able to bs HIM? No. Oh, HE will see deep into your black and crooked heart, and you will fall to the floor. Hold on to Jesus then, be covered in HIS blood, so you will escape the wrath G_D will visit on those who are not covered. And yes, many who profess to be HIS are not. That was a lesson well-learned in the time I spent with the bagad.
Of course, if she is crazy-in-love, and she has chanced upon this blog by maybe Googling herself, then she needs to stop reading. She'll just consider me one of the bagad's ex's that had no idea how to treat this poor, neglected, child-man. She is his savior, his compassionate help-mate, the only woman who could ever really understand someone like him.
But if she's had an argument with him and she wonders if she's lost her mind. If she feels worthless and dirty after he has "talked" with her, then perhaps she will want to know if she is the only one who has encountered the Mr. Hyde of the Dr. Jekyll she thought she married. Oh yes, it is a painful revelation. It was for me. And I tried so hard not to give up hope, thinking his love of me would conquer all the baggage he brought with him from his past. That was not the case. He had no qualms about insisting on his own way, saying he was the authority of his house, and the woman who does not submit to the man's authority is going against the will of the L_RD. If Cindy does come upon my blogs, she needs to explore them from the beginning of when I started writing them. That way she can gain some insight to how I left the bagad's house in the first place - his demand that I stop communicating with my daughter and make a "choice" of obeying that demand or ending our marriage.
Now that I look back, I realize it was against the Word of our L_RD that I even remarry. Today's pastors have conveniently forgotten those words when it comes to divorce and remarriage, and the bagad has, as well. I will not write all the Scripture, but please read Matthew 5:32; Mark 10:11,12; Luke 16:18 and 1Corinthians 7:10. In the Gospels, Yeshua distinctly says that the man who divorces his wife makes her commit adultery and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. Oy - some pretty clear words, eh?! I have made the decision that while my first husband lives, I will never remarry. That is obedience to the Word of the L_RD. Any thing else is destined for failure, for if we are to be HIS children and demonstrate our love of HIM by being obedient, we cannot rip out the pages or verses of the Bible that do not suit us.
Believe me, I do not judge those who have divorced or remarried. I just have come to understand that I was foolish to think another marriage might be successful if I was not living in obedience. It is also interesting to think of how I responded to finding out my first husband was remarrying compared to the remarriage of my second husband.....I was very sad with the first. With this second one, my only thought is extreme pity for the poor woman who he has deceived into thinking he cares in any way for her welfare.
I once asked the bagad what his intentions towards me were, and he could never respond. He is very clever, and will tell you what he thinks you want to hear, but he couldn't even do that. As the man that I loved, my greatest wish for him was to be the man G_D wanted him to be, to exhibit the fruit of a life lived in Messiah (Galatians 5:22), to show love to those around him so they would be called to Christ. Even with telling him that, he couldn't bullshit his way around my very direct question: "What do you want for me?" Because in his heart, he knew what he wanted. Like Saul towards David, he wanted my utter emotional destruction. He wanted me to feel as badly about myself as he feels about himself. I know I am loved, and all his lies, his accusations, his attempts to intimidate and demean me, were unsuccessful. It was a source of extreme frustration for him, and it was easy for him to "put me away".
The truth is the truth. We may try to conceal it, or ignore it, or distort it, but the TRUTH remains. And one day, we will stand before our Maker who will ask us what we did with what HE gave us. Do you think you'll be able to bs HIM? No. Oh, HE will see deep into your black and crooked heart, and you will fall to the floor. Hold on to Jesus then, be covered in HIS blood, so you will escape the wrath G_D will visit on those who are not covered. And yes, many who profess to be HIS are not. That was a lesson well-learned in the time I spent with the bagad.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Who was that nasty boy?
Time passes and it is such a blessing. Truly this year, after the third anniversary of the legal divorce from the treacherous one (the bagad), I have thought of him very little. Sadly, he comes up when conversation turns to idiotic and unreasonable behavior. When we need an example of a judgmental, angry, unforgiving and unloving "christian". Someone quick to condemn, someone seeking attention and admiration. That is sad, because it is those very people that have misrepresented the sweet and unconditional love of our Saviour, Yeshua.
Today is the first day of summer break. Ah.....what a wonderful thing it is to be a teacher! I know I'll never be wealthy, always have to count my pennies, but I am able to take time to soak in rest and peace. Some might call that lazy, I call it renewal.
Now I will focus on repairs on the stucco outside, on organizing the space I have in the garage to make room for my family.
My garden is a joy! I have planted the trees and shrubs that need time to grow so that in five years it will be a true xeriscaped landscape. As money permits, I will buy more flagstone and other pavers to cover up the dust and sand in the back. Now the plants will go dormant in the heat of the summer, except for those few that love the heat.
Yes, who is that nasty boy I once lived with? No longer my concern. Just the prayer that the TRUTH will always outshine the lie of his life, and that he will not be given the opportunity to ever again degrade or demean a woman.
Today is the first day of summer break. Ah.....what a wonderful thing it is to be a teacher! I know I'll never be wealthy, always have to count my pennies, but I am able to take time to soak in rest and peace. Some might call that lazy, I call it renewal.
Now I will focus on repairs on the stucco outside, on organizing the space I have in the garage to make room for my family.
My garden is a joy! I have planted the trees and shrubs that need time to grow so that in five years it will be a true xeriscaped landscape. As money permits, I will buy more flagstone and other pavers to cover up the dust and sand in the back. Now the plants will go dormant in the heat of the summer, except for those few that love the heat.
Yes, who is that nasty boy I once lived with? No longer my concern. Just the prayer that the TRUTH will always outshine the lie of his life, and that he will not be given the opportunity to ever again degrade or demean a woman.
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