Seasons.....

As was so well-stated by Solomon in Ecclesiastes 3, there are times and seasons for everything. "A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to love, a time to hate..."

There can always be discussion in regards to Old Testament words and New Testament words - do the words of Yeshua "wipe out" any of the Torah and the Prophets? No, I believe HE made that clear when HE said HE did not come to destroy but to fulfill the Law (Matthew 5:17). So when you consider Solomon's words, how harsh or how comforting are they?

When we decide to eat meat, we must kill the animal the meat comes from. Yet we keep our animals healthy so they might reproduce or we derive products from them (milk, eggs, etc.) Does killing also apply to a spiritual situation? Do not many plants die only to return in the seeds they have produced in their season of growth? Did not Yeshua say we must die to be reborn in HIM (John 3)? Those who love their lives will lose them. Are you not to die daily? This is a concept that applies a "killing" of self. Yet are you to engage in "killing" the flesh you witness in others?

In that sense, the greatest weapon is LOVE. When you see another consumed in the fleshy life of his past, living in a way that dishonors G_D, do you treat that person with hate and disdain? If they INSIST on continued disobedience, you must remove yourself from them. Telling them things they do not wish to face serves no purpose. They are the only ones who have control over their wretchedness - staying in their miserable state or living in the blessing of the L_RD. A pharisee is proud. A pharisee is arrogant. A pharisee believes himself righteous. When a pharisee looks into the mirror, he sees he is "chosen" because he "keeps" the Law. But he is a miserable failure at keeping ALL the Law. Remember - you have to be able to keep ALL the Law..... That is why G_D sent HIS SON! We are ALL failures (as Paul so well-examined in Romans 3). Tell a pharisee that, and he will tear you to pieces!

So you love them, but you turn away from them. At such a time when they desire to change, when they repent; then they can be approached. I think there are those who profess Christ, yet are stubborn in their religiosity. Non-repentance grieves the SPIRIT.

A time to love, a time to hate....

Ah, there are times my heart is filled to bursting with love and times I think of the bagad (name for my ex) and despise everything he represents. I don't hate him, but I do hate everything he has done. I hate his deception, his lies, his life of illusion. Oh, how I have hated his misrepresenting G_D's nature. I think I can say that I hate all in him that has been overshadowed by the devil's will. The flesh he cannot allow to die which is the devil's foothold in him. I guess you could say I hate the devil and all his doings in people's lives and upon this wonderful planet. The devil takes what is our pain and uses it to build that black hole in our hearts that he squeezes as it suits him. Using our wounds to whisper to us that we are unloved, unworthy, doomed to spend eternity with his wickedness. Lies, lies, lies!!! The devil is a liar, a thief. Yeshua came to end his wicked reign - should we elect to live our lives in the shadow of our Savior's wings. Truly, it is our choice.

It is wonderful that although Yeshua was probably not born at this time of year, the world celebrates HIS birth now. I join the world in that celebration, I have celebrated the Festival of Lights to honor the Light of the World. May the focus remain on HIM, on HIS goodness, HIS kindness, HIS joy. May we feel the warm comfort of family and friends and forget the nagging blare of consumerism that engulfs America at this time. May G_D bless us and may we hear the angels proclaim: "Glory to G_D in the highest and on earth, peace among men, with whom HE is pleased" G_D gave us HIS Son so that we might be redeemed - it is THE greatest gift.

Who really practices witchcraft?

As I was reading an awesome book by John White called THE COST OF COMMITMENT, I was reminded of those like my abusive former husband. Those who seek to control the circumstances around them and control the lives of others.

I once practiced witchcraft, calling myself wiccan and learning of nature and healing herbs. Now, of course, I reject the notion of controlling my environment with "spells", I belong to my L_RD and Savior Yeshua HaMashiach. I know that seasons and living with the natural world was honored and respected by Yeshua, for HIS Father created the universe and the times and seasons. It has been so healing to watch a plant grow from seed, to bear fruit for us to enjoy, to relate this to our own life and the seasons and cycles we experience.

Yet how many do I know who "pray" for their way? Who seek to think their view and perspective of the world and events in it should be subject to their "wisdom" and "great understanding"? The bagad (name I give my treacherous ex) kept prophesying the destruction of Jerusalem because of the gay parades scheduled to take place there. And he was pleased of the prospect that they should be destroyed - as per his judgment. Often his "prophecies" proved false, but he considered himself clever when he twisted them around a bit to suit the circumstances. It was all rather funny to watch, I was embarrassed for him.

One of the justifications he gave others for divorcing me was that I still practiced witchcraft. This is a lie, but it is clear the bagad is one who bears false witness. G_D will be the judge of the truth, and I have no need to fear. It seems it is just another one of his sins "projected" onto me. The bagad lives very similarly to king saul. And Samuel the prophet made things very clear when saul was rejected as king when he disobeyed the L_RD in 1 Samuel 15:23 "...for rebellion is as the sin of divination; and insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry." At that time, saul's excuses had come to an end. Just like the bagad's excuses to mistreat and disrespect a woman because his mother neglected and abandoned him. His witch-craft is to re-create his relationship with his mama with every woman he becomes intimate with. He seeks to destroy mama as represented by "woman" - he can keep his destructive, soul-killing words to her private in his house. And he tells the world she is the best thing that ever happened to him - just like he tells the world he loved his mama.

We are told to treat those who are disobedient as pagans, excluding them from our presence. In the Old Testament, G_D did not want HIS people associating with unbelievers. Of course, the bagad considers himself a believer. And yes, I know he has asked Yeshua to be his Saviour, that is why I was very clearly told not to stretch out my hand against the L_RD'S anointed (1 Samuel 24:10-13) Whatever becomes of the bagad will be none of my concern, as he is now handed over. His great lust to control his environment denies trust in G_D. Not trusting G_D leads you to act without HIM, not considering HIS will - and that is rebellion and disobedience.

So, who practices witchcraft today? Who lives in G_D'S will? Who lives in their own will?

Washed clean in the Blood of Yeshua

Last summer I watched with interest all the odd happenings at Lakeland, Florida. I hunger for the LORD's Presence and understand that we ALL do. Christians, regular church-goers, think that they may "sense" GOD's Presence when they engage in emotional worship-music participation.

I attended a gathering of Christians where the band started chanting. They worked themselves and the audience into a frenzy - it reminded me of the rock shows I used to attend. It also reminded me of what I have seen in other large gatherings (religious or not) - mob frenzy. What distinguished the secular from the supposed holy? Nothing, sadly. Both groups sought emotional experience that made them "feel good".

I confess when I once played in a worship band, I also experienced an extraordinary joy. I felt I was the only person there, just me telling my ABBA how much I adored HIM. At times I observed my abuser "perform" to receive admiration, weep because he convinced himself he was a special conduit of GOD's power given to the congregation. And at home he used words that tried to destroy his wife, murderous intent to make her feel as badly and unloved as he felt.

There were many things I learned at St. Clements. There were many honest, SPIRIT-filled, godly people there. There were also many who did what they thought you should do in a white-bread, rich, Episcopal church. For many, including the family of the adulteress my ex had dallied with, it was just a fancy Country Club. Go there, sing in the choir, get your kids involved in programs, hubby can lead the acolytes, pay your club dues - and make connections. But when it got down to looking at the sin that consumed them, to ask forgiveness, to REPENT, oh that was just too hard-hitting! When I asked that we all meet to face the past, to come clean; and that my husband ask the offended husband to forgive him for taking his wife and the children's mother away - that was just rude of me! Guess Jesus would have been considered rude with HIS words as well, so I am in good company. The adulteress told her children to no longer speak to me rather than telling them she was sorry she had abandoned them as she fulfilled her own lustful desires. She could never again look me in the eye, although that is not what I wanted. I wanted to embrace her as my sister who also was forgiven of her sins and washed clean by Jesus' Blood.

And when I asked the elders for help to understand why the person I lived with hated me so, I was told I was to submit, to not provoke his anger by things I may say to "cause" his outburst. I was victimized first by him and then by the church elders as they stood in his camp and pointed their finger at the woman who "pretended to be so sweet" (exact quote).

It is an amazing experience to be washed clean in Jesus' Blood. No, you don't "feel good", like so many church-goers think you should. You are on your knees, faced with the horrid truth of your sins, knowing that you deserve nothing but death, but that you are the Beloved of the LORD. HE came to give HIS life for you, wretched creature that you are. And no matter what, HE STILL LOVES YOU!!!!! Any other message are the clever lies of the devil, whispered in your head or screamed at you from a son-of-cain. I repented of what I had done - incidents I had pushed so far back into my memory I truly didn't remember - and as I wept, alone in my room on the floor, I have never felt such mercy, such grace, such forgiveness. Such absolute, unconditional, amazing love. At that point, my sin was removed as far as the east is from the west. And nothing the accuser/abuser ever said to me again convinced me otherwise.

Interesting and sad justice?

How small the world is and how fascinating life events can be viewed.....

Several years ago, I was told by the abusive person I was married to that I needed to make a choice. A choice between a continuing relationship with him or with my adult daughter. I found this demand ridiculous, yet understood his motivation based on knowing who he is and who he serves - division and isolation being the goal. So I elected to leave the premises and hoped he would "come to his senses", to again become a man of GOD. Yet the flesh proved too strong for him, the love and truth I represented could no longer be faced. I was verbally told 3 times we were divorced, and that I need not return. So I didn't. Within six months he got a lawyer, legally filed for divorce, and the sham of the marriage was ended. I needed no legal representation, all proceeded as the LORD saw fit.

It was definitely a blessing of GOD'S. I am doing very well without having to endure the ex's evil presence any longer. The sad and interesting fact is the following...

My daughter, who I was to no longer have contact with, loves photography and is part of an on-line picture showcase called Flikr - their site has an El Paso area group. In that group was a very talented young man who has recently passed away in Austin, TX of cancer - he was only one year older than my daughter. He left behind a family, and when my daughter shared this with me, I was saddened at the loss of such a young, beloved person. I thought of how tragic it would be if I could no longer call my child and talk with her, go do things together, laugh together.....

Here is the part to ponder.

This young man's father is an El Paso lawyer. He is the very lawyer that filed the divorce petition against me, representing the one who demanded I no longer communicate with my child (see "in his own words" previous blog). Now this father can no longer communicate with his child on this earth - although most certainly there is the hereafter and the joy of reunion.

I can't help but think of innocent bystanders who have become involved in the lives of those whom GOD has chosen. The pharaoh who took Sarah to be his wife when she was Abraham's wife. His entire household was punished by illness and he realized Abraham had not been truthful with him. (Genesis 12:15-20) The pharaoh was wise enough to realize why the plague had fallen upon his household, and quickly sent Sarah back to her rightful husband, restoring the line of history as the LORD ordained it.

There is a tragic irony to what happened. The young man's father always treated me respectfully and I appreciated that. When he took on his client, did he know the demand the client had made of a mother, that she stop communicating with her daughter for no apparent reason? It may never have crossed his mind that aligning himself with such malice, and with such an unloving act, might have implications for his own life. But of course, it could all just be coincidence.....

Just livin' a good and happy life........

I've not visited here for quite some time. In re-reading my blogs, it feels very satisfying to be able to express my disappointment - and yes, my anger.

I love to grow things. I purchased a house for me and my handicapped son to live in last year December and we are very content. The yard was in miserable shape and I've been working very hard to get some things planted and settled before the dog days of 100+ degrees of heat hit us. I actually put the plan of the yard - back and front - on some log paper so I could draw out where I want to plant particular plants. Then I grin because the treacherous one (bagad) would not have agreed with any of my plans. He had this way of telling you to bring up your wishes when all the while he waited to express his - which, of course, would be the only logical choice.

One of the many things I learned NOT to do from my experience with him was to plant any sort of pine trees! Good LORD, they are a mess to have. Pine needles in every nook and cranny. No sun allowed through so smaller colorful perennials could grow underneath. And his first ex was a horticulturist! I can understand that she was probably manipulated into following his sssssuggestions as well.

My son Austin is graduating from high school this year. Had I not been evicted from the bagad's presence at the time I was, this year probably would have been a major turning point. My son has Down's Syndrome and is now 22. In the time I was married to the bagad, he constantly mentioned Austin moving out as soon as school was done. There are home arrangements where handicapped people can live with 2-3 other special needs people and have a caretaker who makes sure all is well. There have been horror stories of abuse going on in these arrangements - not always, of course. I am sure there are many good people who have a heart to care for the handicapped. But there are others who just collect their social security check and they live in horrible squalor. No food, filthy conditions, even physical or sexual abuse. I just could not see Austin living with anyone other than me. Why would I remove him - he is my son who has limited ability to live on his own?

Now the bagad maintained Austin needed his independence - and others were SO impressed with the bagad's concern for Austin's future. Yet it was all part of the plan to remove my family from me, to have only limited contact. The way daddy harry made sure things worked out with June. Her family rarely visits and she rarely visits them. When she was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma, not one of her children came to spend time with her. I think they all know harry for the abuser he is, and know they cannot convince their mother of his wickedness, so they've decided to let the situation just ride. What can you do? I would have defended the bagad to the ends of the earth until I was enlightened of the truth of who he was/is.

Some of the ridiculous things I recall the bagad saying in regards to my children and his being a step-parent:

"I didn't have anything to do with the pleasure of making that child, so why should I have to deal with the problems?"

"I was never given anything I didn't have to earn, why should they?"

"You should not have anything to do with your daughter, she has not been 'raised right' and has evil influence on you"

"Well, Austin, if you want to have a girlfriend/wife, you sure can't have that going on here in MY house."

I'm sure there are many more idiotic things he said but blessedly they elude me. It really has been a blessing to make decisions that don't involve walking on eggshells....."will he be mad if I want __________?" What wonderful freedom to not deal with his sneers, his rage, his need to be admired and schmoozed. It is truly a joy not to have to listen to his mommy dearest telephone calls every week. Her rudeness in excluding Austin and me from any family holiday greeting - as if she knew he would never have any woman in his life but mommy. Why go through the trouble of remembering a birthday for someone who won't be around long anyway?! I can only assume she is very pleased he is all hers once again.

Although, I could easily imagine him having hooked another victim. So many of us enable mr. hyde when we think we've met dr. jekyll. It all goes back to believing the devil's lies that we have no value. Sadly, women are just so happy when a man says "you are beautiful" or buys us some flowers...... Then an occasional harsh word can be forgiven.....right? It was just an isolated incident, right? I'm sure he realizes how his words have hurt me, right? I really shouldn't have expressed my opinion to make him mad, right? I'll just allow it - again, and again, and again, and again, right?

Ephesians 5

So I thought I would examine the use of Ephesians 5:22 and 5:24

Wives be subject to your husbands, as to the LORD. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

This scripture is the mantra repeated again and again by those men abusing their spouses. Let me first make this note: dealing with an abuser is like dealing with a drunk. Logic and reason will never work when you try to speak with him. I am writing this to YOU - the survivor of mr. hyde, the pharisee, so that you know he is given more responsibility as a husband than the one thing a wife is to do.

First, examine verse 21 "be subject to one another out of fear of Christ". How conveniently the pharisee discounts this verse. Like his father, the devil, he twists and manipulates scripture, taking it out of context. When the devil confronted Eve, she fell to his manipulative words, when the devil confronted Jesus in the desert, HE stood strong in the LORD. Jesus knew exactly who HE was. YOU need to know who you are - you are a beloved child of the King. Anything told to you by anyone other than HIM has no validity. Think about the ways your abuser has been subject to you. It probably won't take much time, since we know its always about his authority over you with no reciprocity.

Yes, it is easy to submit to the authority of a man who has submitted to the authority of the LORD. Examine him....is he totally submitted to all that the LORD would have him be? How can you tell? What is the fruit of his life? Do you see the attributes of Galatians 5:22 in his daily actions? Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control? Or does he have the fleshy attributes of outburst of anger, jealousy, dissension, immorality, etc?

FIRST, we as wives are to submit to the authority of Jesus, then to our husbands. We cannot choose to be submissive to an ungodly man over our submission to our LORD. The man who demands that of you is in sin. HIS SOLE PURPOSE IS TO DRAG YOU INTO HIS SIN and you must say NO! Love IS NOT going to hell with him. THAT is not godly submission.

What does the rest of Ephesians direct the husband to do?

V. 25 To LOVE your wives. To love her so much that you would give up your life for her. How many of the men quoting the previous verse would do that? Not any I know! Then to live a life that sets your wife apart, sanctifying her and washing her clean. v 26, 27. Hmmm.....does that mean he calls you fat, ugly, vile? Wow, really?!

Then to love her, to nourish her and cherish her as you would your own body. v. 28, 29 Now I know that many abusers are filled with self-loathing, so you have become the object of vilification. He feigns arrogance and haughtiness, covering up his self-hatred, and projects all his hatred upon you. But does he regard you with even the smallest iota of the attention he pays to his own body? My pharisee had pictures of himself all over his house/office. Such extreme self-glorification should have been a warning to me to watch out for an ego like his. He may secretly loath himself, but does an excellent job of masquerading as a self-centered egotist.

Then the big clincher that my abuser could not do. He is reminded of the original mandate given by GOD to men - to leave mother and father and become one flesh with his wife. v. 31 For my pharisee, it was impossible. Although his parents are both horrible examples of good parenting, their baby boy has elected to follow in their footsteps. He rejects his rebirth into the inheritance of the LORD and continues to cling to the inheritance of cain. Jesus holds out HIS hand to the pharisee as he sits in his tomb of misery, but the pharisee prefers to wallow in self-pity and slaps away the hand pierced by love.

So please, my sisters in experience. Know that mr. hyde is a deceiver and manipulator. If you are with him, its because you have been fooled. He has appeared to you as a good man, but he is the slithering serpent, flicking his tongue to test your enabling kindness. If you are reading this it's because you are starting to see he has fooled you and you no longer want to be fooled. The serpent whispers that you must doubt the goodness of GOD's heart towards you. Shame on him, the disgusting pharisee.

Flee into the night as David did when Saul's greatest desire was to destroy him. 1 Samuel 19:10 May the LORD bless you with freedom.

Embarrassed looks

It was the oddest thing to try and explain to people how the person they interacted with on a superficial basis a couple of times a week wasn't who he appeared to be. I was the one who got the disbelieving looks. The web the pharisee had woven was an amazingly tight weave, purposefully constructed to make it appear I was the crazy woman and he was the victim. It had worked with his first wife, hadn't it?

A major flag in running away from a potential abuser is that they never take responsibility for the demise of a relationship. They are masters at blame-shifting. The reality of the horrid wickedness in their heart is too much to bear; looking in the mirror would shatter their entire existence - the very core and foundation they have built their house-of-card's life upon.

Stupid me! I thought Kathy (the 1st ex) was a crazy and vicious woman. I can now relate to why she wanted to hurt him as much as she possibly could, fighting for and winning custody of the dog. I actually thought that was pretty dang funny. And that it wasn't at all about love (and the dog), but about hate. And who could inflict the greater harm to the other.

So at the beginning of the "leaving him" process, when you are trying to tell others all the things you've read about abusers, its a total shock when they suggest you go to marriage counseling! "But", you say, "experts advise against couple's counseling in abuse cases, the abuser needs to attend counseling by themselves first"; the word ABUSE is the problem. In church circles, abuse simply is much too distasteful a topic. Best to remain an ostrich and stick the collective congregation's head in the sand.

Then comes your exclusion. The murmurs as you pass by. The fake-friendly "hello" with the quick looking down so further conversation is discouraged. Maybe they recall the time you desperately sought their help, sought to understand why he praised you in public yet demeaned and degraded you in private. And you were the one chastised, you were the one who "provoked" the spousal dissension. You were not the submissive wife.

But he was not held accountable for nourishing and cherishing his wife. And, the reality was that he is simply a madman who has everyone fooled. On occasion he might show a small sample of his rage and rants and foul temper, but then he just has an "anger" issue. ABUSE still being an ugly word. Not in our midst, they think.

And they hope you just go away. Which you eventually do. There is no comfort with those who once professed to be your brothers or sisters in Christ, only embarrassment of the dirty secret. I so prefer to be the whore weeping at Jesus' feet than the pharisees accusing her. Jesus' woes spoken upon the pharisees were some of the hardest-hitting words ever. Yet HE told the whore at HIS feet "who judges you now? Go and sin no more"

I've held my head high with no need to be ashamed of anything I have said or done. I elected to remain married and to also no longer allow him to treat me badly. I called him out when he did. I think he just couldn't stand it anymore.

The gig was up!

I understand why evil men like Scott Peterson kill their wives now. The whole facade of their false life is cracked and crumbling. Pretty soon everyone around him will see past the facade he has erected. What is behind the facade? The stench of his wounded boyhood and it will reek like a nasty bedsore.....best he divest himself of the truth and the reality he's now been called to face. Sadly, the divesting can be physical murder. I guess all of us hated women become the inconvenient truth abusers can't bear.

In his own words

I am attaching the letter he left me on my Yom Choofsha (Day of Freedom in Hebrew). It was on our bed with his 5-inch ponytail he had cut off. Apparently I no longer was attentive enough to straightening his kinky hair with a flat iron every time he washed it. When I came home that Friday, ready to enjoy my Labor Day weekend, this letter and his symbol of my lack was laying there. I elected to leave and let him cool off, but he let me know I didn't need to return. He stood in front of me, threatening to not allow my departure, but I think he could sense I was about to knee him in his sensitive parts. He followed me out to the car in the garage and grabbed me as I was getting in, trying to kiss me after he proclaimed "I divorce you" three times.
Hallelujah!
It was the beginning of my freedom from the tyranny of intimidation, manipulation, fear, guilt, and deception. (By the way, it was never "our home". In our five years of marriage, he never put my name on the deed. Classic controlling behavior....)
So here are his own words. Judge for yourself.


Rosemary,
I regret to inform you that we have reached a point where you need to make a choice. The choices you have are this:
1) You can recognize my authority (I am here by claiming in writing!) as your husband
or
2) You can choose to continue to live your life recognizing your grown daughter as your best friend, instead of as someone who you were supposed to rebuke and correct.

From your actions & words this morning, it appears you are making a statement that says you have authority to decide to over rule simple requests I have made concerning who is in our home, without our permission, during our absence.

I do not recall revoking a clearly stated desire that I do not want Daniel in our home when we are not here. (This was at the time of their last breakup, or the one before that) However, the authority I have in making such a request is not respected.

Earlier in the week a letter was delivered to our house. A strange thing happened when I put that letter on the kitchen table. The words “Lies & Deception” appeared in my head. I was so strong, that I wrote a note on the outside of the envelope, asking you to tell me about the contents of the letter. I asked politely. AGAIN, NO AUTHORITY! You have not responded to my simple request. You simply choose to ignore my authority. What are you hiding????? I hope it was only an advertisement.

So you have a choice to make. You can be my wife and respect my authority, or you can choose to sacrifice the rest of your life for your daughter.
If you choose dedicating your life to the dreams of your daughter, there will be no room for me.
Especially if it involves the need to lie. I love you and hope you choose to respect me.
I understand (and will not hate you) if you choose to be dedicated to your daughter. If the latter is your choice, then we should not waste any more time arguing. We will recognize it is what it is, and move on.
In exercising my authority, I am requesting all house keys for 304 Egret to be returned with the exception of keys given to you & Austin. Give me your decision as soon as you have made it.

Hopefully,
Mario



(Written and presented on August 31, 2007 by Mario LaFragola, currently of Deming, NM)

Please allow me to introduce myself.........

charmed, I'm sure. All the pictures of the antichrist as a wicked evil-looking guy are as incorrect as our expectations of a serial killer. When you look at Jeffrey Dahmer or Ted Bundy, you might even find them handsome. Just like a fish looks at the worm hanging off the hook, you see no evil. That is the lure of the devil, to lull you into complacency so you take the bait and then he sets the hook.......

I met him at work but he invited me to church. I thought that AT LEAST in this environment I'd find a man with a good heart, dedicated to living a life for the LORD. But in church is where we run into the wounded....some who truly seek healing but many who seek to transfer their pain onto others.

How kind he seemed when I first met him. Handsome, playing the guitar in the church band, inviting me to come and visit during rehearsals. The other people in the band encouraged me to try and play percussion - and I became like Linda McCartney in the band. He was critical of my playing...never mind that others found me to be inspiring as I lost myself in worship. Even with my inexperience I was expected to be perfect in one try. Just one of many hints at his expectations of perfection for a woman.....

My most awesome experience was that he invited his former lover to come and sing in the band as well. He could be the "christian rock star" surrounded by those women he had influenced to come to the holy house. It was a notch in his belt of christian converts, surely the more he had the better place he would occupy in heaven. "LOOK AT ME GOD, am I not a good little boy, bringing YOU these fallen women, these whores, these witches?" A competition in christian brownie points! I prayed so hard to no longer have feelings of inadequacy and jealousy as he walked to the dining room with his former lover, and I, his current sheep, walking behind in her rightful position of obedience. An amazing miracle occurred later on as I was delivered of the demonic lies I had come to believe in my 43 years of life. Oh how I burned as I became free!

Now I know that I am loved! I am a child of the KING and NO ONE can tell me that I have no value. YESHUA valued me so much that HE died for me, and for you and yes, even for the vicious deceiver who is your accuser. There is no greater, sweeter love than YESHUA'S love. All the attempts of making me feel unloved, unworthy, imperfect, vile, fat, or ugly were in vain. It actually became funny to watch the pharisee's frustration trying to accuse me of the things he himself was guilty of. I was like a duck letting the accusations run like water off my back. Submit to the LORD, resist the devil and he will flee from you JAMES 4:7

I've been examining lots of blogs from women who have fallen for the same deceit and treachery as I have. I know I have felt so stupid for trusting, but it is not my sin. It is the sin of the deceiver who takes your trust and tries to use it for his own gratification and selfish purposes. It saddens me that there are so many men out there who are that way.

In a home or community or nation where its woman are not treated with respect, dignity and honor, there can be no prosperity. Where the woman is degraded, demeaned, and disrespected, there is violence with a focus on power, not on passion. I live on the border of Texas and Juarez, Mexico. In the last ten years there have been over 400 unsolved murdered women found - how many are unknown? And now the drug cartel wars are claiming thousands of lives. Is there prosperity in our community? No. And there cannot be if we do not address abuse in our homes against our women.

The church has too long been quiet on this topic. It is all the "Sunday game face" they want to see. Heaven forbid they have any REAL issues in their midst. There was once a time that I was bitter. I read somewhere that bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die from it. Is that not true for us who so long hoped our deceiver would change?

I'M A SURVIVOR!!!!!!

I decided to start this blog out of my own experience with a Pharisee. I first called him Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but upon further examination, have been better able to identify him as a religious pharisee.

Verbal abuse in religious settings is a dirty secret. Even elders and pastors are loathe to address the fact that it runs rampant in their congregations - heaven forbid it goes on in their flock. Abuse knows no socio-economic boundaries. And the only ones who can truly comprehend the horrors of sleeping with the enemy are those who have joined that unfortunate sisterhood.

So, I invite others to ask questions and tell of their experiences. Sadly, my experience has made me somewhat of an expert.

I am Messianic Jewish, coming into a life with the HOLY SPIRIT since November 2000. Were it not for the gift of faith my LORD has given me, I would not have survived the abuse of a pharisee. Their purpose is an ancient one, going all the way back to the Garden of Eden......making you doubt who you are in the LORD.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, "Indeed, has God said, 'You shall not eat from any tree of the garden'?" Genesis 3:1

Remember, abusers are crafty as the serpent. Just like the devil, they hate women and all they represent. They can only give what they have, and love is not something they have any experience with.

I dedicate this site to my LORD and Savior Yeshua HaMashiach. May all of us who have suffered at the hands of deceivers, manipulators and intimidators achieve a life of skipping like calves. "But for you who fear My name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings; and you will go forth and skip about like calves from the stall. Malachi 4:2