Embarrassed looks

It was the oddest thing to try and explain to people how the person they interacted with on a superficial basis a couple of times a week wasn't who he appeared to be. I was the one who got the disbelieving looks. The web the pharisee had woven was an amazingly tight weave, purposefully constructed to make it appear I was the crazy woman and he was the victim. It had worked with his first wife, hadn't it?

A major flag in running away from a potential abuser is that they never take responsibility for the demise of a relationship. They are masters at blame-shifting. The reality of the horrid wickedness in their heart is too much to bear; looking in the mirror would shatter their entire existence - the very core and foundation they have built their house-of-card's life upon.

Stupid me! I thought Kathy (the 1st ex) was a crazy and vicious woman. I can now relate to why she wanted to hurt him as much as she possibly could, fighting for and winning custody of the dog. I actually thought that was pretty dang funny. And that it wasn't at all about love (and the dog), but about hate. And who could inflict the greater harm to the other.

So at the beginning of the "leaving him" process, when you are trying to tell others all the things you've read about abusers, its a total shock when they suggest you go to marriage counseling! "But", you say, "experts advise against couple's counseling in abuse cases, the abuser needs to attend counseling by themselves first"; the word ABUSE is the problem. In church circles, abuse simply is much too distasteful a topic. Best to remain an ostrich and stick the collective congregation's head in the sand.

Then comes your exclusion. The murmurs as you pass by. The fake-friendly "hello" with the quick looking down so further conversation is discouraged. Maybe they recall the time you desperately sought their help, sought to understand why he praised you in public yet demeaned and degraded you in private. And you were the one chastised, you were the one who "provoked" the spousal dissension. You were not the submissive wife.

But he was not held accountable for nourishing and cherishing his wife. And, the reality was that he is simply a madman who has everyone fooled. On occasion he might show a small sample of his rage and rants and foul temper, but then he just has an "anger" issue. ABUSE still being an ugly word. Not in our midst, they think.

And they hope you just go away. Which you eventually do. There is no comfort with those who once professed to be your brothers or sisters in Christ, only embarrassment of the dirty secret. I so prefer to be the whore weeping at Jesus' feet than the pharisees accusing her. Jesus' woes spoken upon the pharisees were some of the hardest-hitting words ever. Yet HE told the whore at HIS feet "who judges you now? Go and sin no more"

I've held my head high with no need to be ashamed of anything I have said or done. I elected to remain married and to also no longer allow him to treat me badly. I called him out when he did. I think he just couldn't stand it anymore.

The gig was up!

I understand why evil men like Scott Peterson kill their wives now. The whole facade of their false life is cracked and crumbling. Pretty soon everyone around him will see past the facade he has erected. What is behind the facade? The stench of his wounded boyhood and it will reek like a nasty bedsore.....best he divest himself of the truth and the reality he's now been called to face. Sadly, the divesting can be physical murder. I guess all of us hated women become the inconvenient truth abusers can't bear.