My thoughts today are prompted by my finding out that my ex, who I call the bagad (Hebrew word for treacherous one), remarried. When I found out, all I could do is feel a great deal of sorrow for his third wife. That Cindy LaFragola will also come to know the truth of who she married, and will need to deal with that knowledge in her own way. My heart goes out to her, as it does to all women who are caught in the snare of an abusive man.
Of course, if she is crazy-in-love, and she has chanced upon this blog by maybe Googling herself, then she needs to stop reading. She'll just consider me one of the bagad's ex's that had no idea how to treat this poor, neglected, child-man. She is his savior, his compassionate help-mate, the only woman who could ever really understand someone like him.
But if she's had an argument with him and she wonders if she's lost her mind. If she feels worthless and dirty after he has "talked" with her, then perhaps she will want to know if she is the only one who has encountered the Mr. Hyde of the Dr. Jekyll she thought she married. Oh yes, it is a painful revelation. It was for me. And I tried so hard not to give up hope, thinking his love of me would conquer all the baggage he brought with him from his past. That was not the case. He had no qualms about insisting on his own way, saying he was the authority of his house, and the woman who does not submit to the man's authority is going against the will of the L_RD. If Cindy does come upon my blogs, she needs to explore them from the beginning of when I started writing them. That way she can gain some insight to how I left the bagad's house in the first place - his demand that I stop communicating with my daughter and make a "choice" of obeying that demand or ending our marriage.
Now that I look back, I realize it was against the Word of our L_RD that I even remarry. Today's pastors have conveniently forgotten those words when it comes to divorce and remarriage, and the bagad has, as well. I will not write all the Scripture, but please read Matthew 5:32; Mark 10:11,12; Luke 16:18 and 1Corinthians 7:10. In the Gospels, Yeshua distinctly says that the man who divorces his wife makes her commit adultery and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. Oy - some pretty clear words, eh?! I have made the decision that while my first husband lives, I will never remarry. That is obedience to the Word of the L_RD. Any thing else is destined for failure, for if we are to be HIS children and demonstrate our love of HIM by being obedient, we cannot rip out the pages or verses of the Bible that do not suit us.
Believe me, I do not judge those who have divorced or remarried. I just have come to understand that I was foolish to think another marriage might be successful if I was not living in obedience. It is also interesting to think of how I responded to finding out my first husband was remarrying compared to the remarriage of my second husband.....I was very sad with the first. With this second one, my only thought is extreme pity for the poor woman who he has deceived into thinking he cares in any way for her welfare.
I once asked the bagad what his intentions towards me were, and he could never respond. He is very clever, and will tell you what he thinks you want to hear, but he couldn't even do that. As the man that I loved, my greatest wish for him was to be the man G_D wanted him to be, to exhibit the fruit of a life lived in Messiah (Galatians 5:22), to show love to those around him so they would be called to Christ. Even with telling him that, he couldn't bullshit his way around my very direct question: "What do you want for me?" Because in his heart, he knew what he wanted. Like Saul towards David, he wanted my utter emotional destruction. He wanted me to feel as badly about myself as he feels about himself. I know I am loved, and all his lies, his accusations, his attempts to intimidate and demean me, were unsuccessful. It was a source of extreme frustration for him, and it was easy for him to "put me away".
The truth is the truth. We may try to conceal it, or ignore it, or distort it, but the TRUTH remains. And one day, we will stand before our Maker who will ask us what we did with what HE gave us. Do you think you'll be able to bs HIM? No. Oh, HE will see deep into your black and crooked heart, and you will fall to the floor. Hold on to Jesus then, be covered in HIS blood, so you will escape the wrath G_D will visit on those who are not covered. And yes, many who profess to be HIS are not. That was a lesson well-learned in the time I spent with the bagad.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Who was that nasty boy?
Time passes and it is such a blessing. Truly this year, after the third anniversary of the legal divorce from the treacherous one (the bagad), I have thought of him very little. Sadly, he comes up when conversation turns to idiotic and unreasonable behavior. When we need an example of a judgmental, angry, unforgiving and unloving "christian". Someone quick to condemn, someone seeking attention and admiration. That is sad, because it is those very people that have misrepresented the sweet and unconditional love of our Saviour, Yeshua.
Today is the first day of summer break. Ah.....what a wonderful thing it is to be a teacher! I know I'll never be wealthy, always have to count my pennies, but I am able to take time to soak in rest and peace. Some might call that lazy, I call it renewal.
Now I will focus on repairs on the stucco outside, on organizing the space I have in the garage to make room for my family.
My garden is a joy! I have planted the trees and shrubs that need time to grow so that in five years it will be a true xeriscaped landscape. As money permits, I will buy more flagstone and other pavers to cover up the dust and sand in the back. Now the plants will go dormant in the heat of the summer, except for those few that love the heat.
Yes, who is that nasty boy I once lived with? No longer my concern. Just the prayer that the TRUTH will always outshine the lie of his life, and that he will not be given the opportunity to ever again degrade or demean a woman.
Today is the first day of summer break. Ah.....what a wonderful thing it is to be a teacher! I know I'll never be wealthy, always have to count my pennies, but I am able to take time to soak in rest and peace. Some might call that lazy, I call it renewal.
Now I will focus on repairs on the stucco outside, on organizing the space I have in the garage to make room for my family.
My garden is a joy! I have planted the trees and shrubs that need time to grow so that in five years it will be a true xeriscaped landscape. As money permits, I will buy more flagstone and other pavers to cover up the dust and sand in the back. Now the plants will go dormant in the heat of the summer, except for those few that love the heat.
Yes, who is that nasty boy I once lived with? No longer my concern. Just the prayer that the TRUTH will always outshine the lie of his life, and that he will not be given the opportunity to ever again degrade or demean a woman.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Seasons.....
As was so well-stated by Solomon in Ecclesiastes 3, there are times and seasons for everything. "A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to love, a time to hate..."
There can always be discussion in regards to Old Testament words and New Testament words - do the words of Yeshua "wipe out" any of the Torah and the Prophets? No, I believe HE made that clear when HE said HE did not come to destroy but to fulfill the Law (Matthew 5:17). So when you consider Solomon's words, how harsh or how comforting are they?
When we decide to eat meat, we must kill the animal the meat comes from. Yet we keep our animals healthy so they might reproduce or we derive products from them (milk, eggs, etc.) Does killing also apply to a spiritual situation? Do not many plants die only to return in the seeds they have produced in their season of growth? Did not Yeshua say we must die to be reborn in HIM (John 3)? Those who love their lives will lose them. Are you not to die daily? This is a concept that applies a "killing" of self. Yet are you to engage in "killing" the flesh you witness in others?
In that sense, the greatest weapon is LOVE. When you see another consumed in the fleshy life of his past, living in a way that dishonors G_D, do you treat that person with hate and disdain? If they INSIST on continued disobedience, you must remove yourself from them. Telling them things they do not wish to face serves no purpose. They are the only ones who have control over their wretchedness - staying in their miserable state or living in the blessing of the L_RD. A pharisee is proud. A pharisee is arrogant. A pharisee believes himself righteous. When a pharisee looks into the mirror, he sees he is "chosen" because he "keeps" the Law. But he is a miserable failure at keeping ALL the Law. Remember - you have to be able to keep ALL the Law..... That is why G_D sent HIS SON! We are ALL failures (as Paul so well-examined in Romans 3). Tell a pharisee that, and he will tear you to pieces!
So you love them, but you turn away from them. At such a time when they desire to change, when they repent; then they can be approached. I think there are those who profess Christ, yet are stubborn in their religiosity. Non-repentance grieves the SPIRIT.
A time to love, a time to hate....
Ah, there are times my heart is filled to bursting with love and times I think of the bagad (name for my ex) and despise everything he represents. I don't hate him, but I do hate everything he has done. I hate his deception, his lies, his life of illusion. Oh, how I have hated his misrepresenting G_D's nature. I think I can say that I hate all in him that has been overshadowed by the devil's will. The flesh he cannot allow to die which is the devil's foothold in him. I guess you could say I hate the devil and all his doings in people's lives and upon this wonderful planet. The devil takes what is our pain and uses it to build that black hole in our hearts that he squeezes as it suits him. Using our wounds to whisper to us that we are unloved, unworthy, doomed to spend eternity with his wickedness. Lies, lies, lies!!! The devil is a liar, a thief. Yeshua came to end his wicked reign - should we elect to live our lives in the shadow of our Savior's wings. Truly, it is our choice.
It is wonderful that although Yeshua was probably not born at this time of year, the world celebrates HIS birth now. I join the world in that celebration, I have celebrated the Festival of Lights to honor the Light of the World. May the focus remain on HIM, on HIS goodness, HIS kindness, HIS joy. May we feel the warm comfort of family and friends and forget the nagging blare of consumerism that engulfs America at this time. May G_D bless us and may we hear the angels proclaim: "Glory to G_D in the highest and on earth, peace among men, with whom HE is pleased" G_D gave us HIS Son so that we might be redeemed - it is THE greatest gift.
There can always be discussion in regards to Old Testament words and New Testament words - do the words of Yeshua "wipe out" any of the Torah and the Prophets? No, I believe HE made that clear when HE said HE did not come to destroy but to fulfill the Law (Matthew 5:17). So when you consider Solomon's words, how harsh or how comforting are they?
When we decide to eat meat, we must kill the animal the meat comes from. Yet we keep our animals healthy so they might reproduce or we derive products from them (milk, eggs, etc.) Does killing also apply to a spiritual situation? Do not many plants die only to return in the seeds they have produced in their season of growth? Did not Yeshua say we must die to be reborn in HIM (John 3)? Those who love their lives will lose them. Are you not to die daily? This is a concept that applies a "killing" of self. Yet are you to engage in "killing" the flesh you witness in others?
In that sense, the greatest weapon is LOVE. When you see another consumed in the fleshy life of his past, living in a way that dishonors G_D, do you treat that person with hate and disdain? If they INSIST on continued disobedience, you must remove yourself from them. Telling them things they do not wish to face serves no purpose. They are the only ones who have control over their wretchedness - staying in their miserable state or living in the blessing of the L_RD. A pharisee is proud. A pharisee is arrogant. A pharisee believes himself righteous. When a pharisee looks into the mirror, he sees he is "chosen" because he "keeps" the Law. But he is a miserable failure at keeping ALL the Law. Remember - you have to be able to keep ALL the Law..... That is why G_D sent HIS SON! We are ALL failures (as Paul so well-examined in Romans 3). Tell a pharisee that, and he will tear you to pieces!
So you love them, but you turn away from them. At such a time when they desire to change, when they repent; then they can be approached. I think there are those who profess Christ, yet are stubborn in their religiosity. Non-repentance grieves the SPIRIT.
A time to love, a time to hate....
Ah, there are times my heart is filled to bursting with love and times I think of the bagad (name for my ex) and despise everything he represents. I don't hate him, but I do hate everything he has done. I hate his deception, his lies, his life of illusion. Oh, how I have hated his misrepresenting G_D's nature. I think I can say that I hate all in him that has been overshadowed by the devil's will. The flesh he cannot allow to die which is the devil's foothold in him. I guess you could say I hate the devil and all his doings in people's lives and upon this wonderful planet. The devil takes what is our pain and uses it to build that black hole in our hearts that he squeezes as it suits him. Using our wounds to whisper to us that we are unloved, unworthy, doomed to spend eternity with his wickedness. Lies, lies, lies!!! The devil is a liar, a thief. Yeshua came to end his wicked reign - should we elect to live our lives in the shadow of our Savior's wings. Truly, it is our choice.
It is wonderful that although Yeshua was probably not born at this time of year, the world celebrates HIS birth now. I join the world in that celebration, I have celebrated the Festival of Lights to honor the Light of the World. May the focus remain on HIM, on HIS goodness, HIS kindness, HIS joy. May we feel the warm comfort of family and friends and forget the nagging blare of consumerism that engulfs America at this time. May G_D bless us and may we hear the angels proclaim: "Glory to G_D in the highest and on earth, peace among men, with whom HE is pleased" G_D gave us HIS Son so that we might be redeemed - it is THE greatest gift.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Who really practices witchcraft?
As I was reading an awesome book by John White called THE COST OF COMMITMENT, I was reminded of those like my abusive former husband. Those who seek to control the circumstances around them and control the lives of others.
I once practiced witchcraft, calling myself wiccan and learning of nature and healing herbs. Now, of course, I reject the notion of controlling my environment with "spells", I belong to my L_RD and Savior Yeshua HaMashiach. I know that seasons and living with the natural world was honored and respected by Yeshua, for HIS Father created the universe and the times and seasons. It has been so healing to watch a plant grow from seed, to bear fruit for us to enjoy, to relate this to our own life and the seasons and cycles we experience.
Yet how many do I know who "pray" for their way? Who seek to think their view and perspective of the world and events in it should be subject to their "wisdom" and "great understanding"? The bagad (name I give my treacherous ex) kept prophesying the destruction of Jerusalem because of the gay parades scheduled to take place there. And he was pleased of the prospect that they should be destroyed - as per his judgment. Often his "prophecies" proved false, but he considered himself clever when he twisted them around a bit to suit the circumstances. It was all rather funny to watch, I was embarrassed for him.
One of the justifications he gave others for divorcing me was that I still practiced witchcraft. This is a lie, but it is clear the bagad is one who bears false witness. G_D will be the judge of the truth, and I have no need to fear. It seems it is just another one of his sins "projected" onto me. The bagad lives very similarly to king saul. And Samuel the prophet made things very clear when saul was rejected as king when he disobeyed the L_RD in 1 Samuel 15:23 "...for rebellion is as the sin of divination; and insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry." At that time, saul's excuses had come to an end. Just like the bagad's excuses to mistreat and disrespect a woman because his mother neglected and abandoned him. His witch-craft is to re-create his relationship with his mama with every woman he becomes intimate with. He seeks to destroy mama as represented by "woman" - he can keep his destructive, soul-killing words to her private in his house. And he tells the world she is the best thing that ever happened to him - just like he tells the world he loved his mama.
We are told to treat those who are disobedient as pagans, excluding them from our presence. In the Old Testament, G_D did not want HIS people associating with unbelievers. Of course, the bagad considers himself a believer. And yes, I know he has asked Yeshua to be his Saviour, that is why I was very clearly told not to stretch out my hand against the L_RD'S anointed (1 Samuel 24:10-13) Whatever becomes of the bagad will be none of my concern, as he is now handed over. His great lust to control his environment denies trust in G_D. Not trusting G_D leads you to act without HIM, not considering HIS will - and that is rebellion and disobedience.
So, who practices witchcraft today? Who lives in G_D'S will? Who lives in their own will?
I once practiced witchcraft, calling myself wiccan and learning of nature and healing herbs. Now, of course, I reject the notion of controlling my environment with "spells", I belong to my L_RD and Savior Yeshua HaMashiach. I know that seasons and living with the natural world was honored and respected by Yeshua, for HIS Father created the universe and the times and seasons. It has been so healing to watch a plant grow from seed, to bear fruit for us to enjoy, to relate this to our own life and the seasons and cycles we experience.
Yet how many do I know who "pray" for their way? Who seek to think their view and perspective of the world and events in it should be subject to their "wisdom" and "great understanding"? The bagad (name I give my treacherous ex) kept prophesying the destruction of Jerusalem because of the gay parades scheduled to take place there. And he was pleased of the prospect that they should be destroyed - as per his judgment. Often his "prophecies" proved false, but he considered himself clever when he twisted them around a bit to suit the circumstances. It was all rather funny to watch, I was embarrassed for him.
One of the justifications he gave others for divorcing me was that I still practiced witchcraft. This is a lie, but it is clear the bagad is one who bears false witness. G_D will be the judge of the truth, and I have no need to fear. It seems it is just another one of his sins "projected" onto me. The bagad lives very similarly to king saul. And Samuel the prophet made things very clear when saul was rejected as king when he disobeyed the L_RD in 1 Samuel 15:23 "...for rebellion is as the sin of divination; and insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry." At that time, saul's excuses had come to an end. Just like the bagad's excuses to mistreat and disrespect a woman because his mother neglected and abandoned him. His witch-craft is to re-create his relationship with his mama with every woman he becomes intimate with. He seeks to destroy mama as represented by "woman" - he can keep his destructive, soul-killing words to her private in his house. And he tells the world she is the best thing that ever happened to him - just like he tells the world he loved his mama.
We are told to treat those who are disobedient as pagans, excluding them from our presence. In the Old Testament, G_D did not want HIS people associating with unbelievers. Of course, the bagad considers himself a believer. And yes, I know he has asked Yeshua to be his Saviour, that is why I was very clearly told not to stretch out my hand against the L_RD'S anointed (1 Samuel 24:10-13) Whatever becomes of the bagad will be none of my concern, as he is now handed over. His great lust to control his environment denies trust in G_D. Not trusting G_D leads you to act without HIM, not considering HIS will - and that is rebellion and disobedience.
So, who practices witchcraft today? Who lives in G_D'S will? Who lives in their own will?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Washed clean in the Blood of Yeshua
Last summer I watched with interest all the odd happenings at Lakeland, Florida. I hunger for the LORD's Presence and understand that we ALL do. Christians, regular church-goers, think that they may "sense" GOD's Presence when they engage in emotional worship-music participation.
I attended a gathering of Christians where the band started chanting. They worked themselves and the audience into a frenzy - it reminded me of the rock shows I used to attend. It also reminded me of what I have seen in other large gatherings (religious or not) - mob frenzy. What distinguished the secular from the supposed holy? Nothing, sadly. Both groups sought emotional experience that made them "feel good".
I confess when I once played in a worship band, I also experienced an extraordinary joy. I felt I was the only person there, just me telling my ABBA how much I adored HIM. At times I observed my abuser "perform" to receive admiration, weep because he convinced himself he was a special conduit of GOD's power given to the congregation. And at home he used words that tried to destroy his wife, murderous intent to make her feel as badly and unloved as he felt.
There were many things I learned at St. Clements. There were many honest, SPIRIT-filled, godly people there. There were also many who did what they thought you should do in a white-bread, rich, Episcopal church. For many, including the family of the adulteress my ex had dallied with, it was just a fancy Country Club. Go there, sing in the choir, get your kids involved in programs, hubby can lead the acolytes, pay your club dues - and make connections. But when it got down to looking at the sin that consumed them, to ask forgiveness, to REPENT, oh that was just too hard-hitting! When I asked that we all meet to face the past, to come clean; and that my husband ask the offended husband to forgive him for taking his wife and the children's mother away - that was just rude of me! Guess Jesus would have been considered rude with HIS words as well, so I am in good company. The adulteress told her children to no longer speak to me rather than telling them she was sorry she had abandoned them as she fulfilled her own lustful desires. She could never again look me in the eye, although that is not what I wanted. I wanted to embrace her as my sister who also was forgiven of her sins and washed clean by Jesus' Blood.
And when I asked the elders for help to understand why the person I lived with hated me so, I was told I was to submit, to not provoke his anger by things I may say to "cause" his outburst. I was victimized first by him and then by the church elders as they stood in his camp and pointed their finger at the woman who "pretended to be so sweet" (exact quote).
It is an amazing experience to be washed clean in Jesus' Blood. No, you don't "feel good", like so many church-goers think you should. You are on your knees, faced with the horrid truth of your sins, knowing that you deserve nothing but death, but that you are the Beloved of the LORD. HE came to give HIS life for you, wretched creature that you are. And no matter what, HE STILL LOVES YOU!!!!! Any other message are the clever lies of the devil, whispered in your head or screamed at you from a son-of-cain. I repented of what I had done - incidents I had pushed so far back into my memory I truly didn't remember - and as I wept, alone in my room on the floor, I have never felt such mercy, such grace, such forgiveness. Such absolute, unconditional, amazing love. At that point, my sin was removed as far as the east is from the west. And nothing the accuser/abuser ever said to me again convinced me otherwise.
I attended a gathering of Christians where the band started chanting. They worked themselves and the audience into a frenzy - it reminded me of the rock shows I used to attend. It also reminded me of what I have seen in other large gatherings (religious or not) - mob frenzy. What distinguished the secular from the supposed holy? Nothing, sadly. Both groups sought emotional experience that made them "feel good".
I confess when I once played in a worship band, I also experienced an extraordinary joy. I felt I was the only person there, just me telling my ABBA how much I adored HIM. At times I observed my abuser "perform" to receive admiration, weep because he convinced himself he was a special conduit of GOD's power given to the congregation. And at home he used words that tried to destroy his wife, murderous intent to make her feel as badly and unloved as he felt.
There were many things I learned at St. Clements. There were many honest, SPIRIT-filled, godly people there. There were also many who did what they thought you should do in a white-bread, rich, Episcopal church. For many, including the family of the adulteress my ex had dallied with, it was just a fancy Country Club. Go there, sing in the choir, get your kids involved in programs, hubby can lead the acolytes, pay your club dues - and make connections. But when it got down to looking at the sin that consumed them, to ask forgiveness, to REPENT, oh that was just too hard-hitting! When I asked that we all meet to face the past, to come clean; and that my husband ask the offended husband to forgive him for taking his wife and the children's mother away - that was just rude of me! Guess Jesus would have been considered rude with HIS words as well, so I am in good company. The adulteress told her children to no longer speak to me rather than telling them she was sorry she had abandoned them as she fulfilled her own lustful desires. She could never again look me in the eye, although that is not what I wanted. I wanted to embrace her as my sister who also was forgiven of her sins and washed clean by Jesus' Blood.
And when I asked the elders for help to understand why the person I lived with hated me so, I was told I was to submit, to not provoke his anger by things I may say to "cause" his outburst. I was victimized first by him and then by the church elders as they stood in his camp and pointed their finger at the woman who "pretended to be so sweet" (exact quote).
It is an amazing experience to be washed clean in Jesus' Blood. No, you don't "feel good", like so many church-goers think you should. You are on your knees, faced with the horrid truth of your sins, knowing that you deserve nothing but death, but that you are the Beloved of the LORD. HE came to give HIS life for you, wretched creature that you are. And no matter what, HE STILL LOVES YOU!!!!! Any other message are the clever lies of the devil, whispered in your head or screamed at you from a son-of-cain. I repented of what I had done - incidents I had pushed so far back into my memory I truly didn't remember - and as I wept, alone in my room on the floor, I have never felt such mercy, such grace, such forgiveness. Such absolute, unconditional, amazing love. At that point, my sin was removed as far as the east is from the west. And nothing the accuser/abuser ever said to me again convinced me otherwise.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Interesting and sad justice?
How small the world is and how fascinating life events can be viewed.....
Several years ago, I was told by the abusive person I was married to that I needed to make a choice. A choice between a continuing relationship with him or with my adult daughter. I found this demand ridiculous, yet understood his motivation based on knowing who he is and who he serves - division and isolation being the goal. So I elected to leave the premises and hoped he would "come to his senses", to again become a man of GOD. Yet the flesh proved too strong for him, the love and truth I represented could no longer be faced. I was verbally told 3 times we were divorced, and that I need not return. So I didn't. Within six months he got a lawyer, legally filed for divorce, and the sham of the marriage was ended. I needed no legal representation, all proceeded as the LORD saw fit.
It was definitely a blessing of GOD'S. I am doing very well without having to endure the ex's evil presence any longer. The sad and interesting fact is the following...
My daughter, who I was to no longer have contact with, loves photography and is part of an on-line picture showcase called Flikr - their site has an El Paso area group. In that group was a very talented young man who has recently passed away in Austin, TX of cancer - he was only one year older than my daughter. He left behind a family, and when my daughter shared this with me, I was saddened at the loss of such a young, beloved person. I thought of how tragic it would be if I could no longer call my child and talk with her, go do things together, laugh together.....
Here is the part to ponder.
This young man's father is an El Paso lawyer. He is the very lawyer that filed the divorce petition against me, representing the one who demanded I no longer communicate with my child (see "in his own words" previous blog). Now this father can no longer communicate with his child on this earth - although most certainly there is the hereafter and the joy of reunion.
I can't help but think of innocent bystanders who have become involved in the lives of those whom GOD has chosen. The pharaoh who took Sarah to be his wife when she was Abraham's wife. His entire household was punished by illness and he realized Abraham had not been truthful with him. (Genesis 12:15-20) The pharaoh was wise enough to realize why the plague had fallen upon his household, and quickly sent Sarah back to her rightful husband, restoring the line of history as the LORD ordained it.
There is a tragic irony to what happened. The young man's father always treated me respectfully and I appreciated that. When he took on his client, did he know the demand the client had made of a mother, that she stop communicating with her daughter for no apparent reason? It may never have crossed his mind that aligning himself with such malice, and with such an unloving act, might have implications for his own life. But of course, it could all just be coincidence.....
Several years ago, I was told by the abusive person I was married to that I needed to make a choice. A choice between a continuing relationship with him or with my adult daughter. I found this demand ridiculous, yet understood his motivation based on knowing who he is and who he serves - division and isolation being the goal. So I elected to leave the premises and hoped he would "come to his senses", to again become a man of GOD. Yet the flesh proved too strong for him, the love and truth I represented could no longer be faced. I was verbally told 3 times we were divorced, and that I need not return. So I didn't. Within six months he got a lawyer, legally filed for divorce, and the sham of the marriage was ended. I needed no legal representation, all proceeded as the LORD saw fit.
It was definitely a blessing of GOD'S. I am doing very well without having to endure the ex's evil presence any longer. The sad and interesting fact is the following...
My daughter, who I was to no longer have contact with, loves photography and is part of an on-line picture showcase called Flikr - their site has an El Paso area group. In that group was a very talented young man who has recently passed away in Austin, TX of cancer - he was only one year older than my daughter. He left behind a family, and when my daughter shared this with me, I was saddened at the loss of such a young, beloved person. I thought of how tragic it would be if I could no longer call my child and talk with her, go do things together, laugh together.....
Here is the part to ponder.
This young man's father is an El Paso lawyer. He is the very lawyer that filed the divorce petition against me, representing the one who demanded I no longer communicate with my child (see "in his own words" previous blog). Now this father can no longer communicate with his child on this earth - although most certainly there is the hereafter and the joy of reunion.
I can't help but think of innocent bystanders who have become involved in the lives of those whom GOD has chosen. The pharaoh who took Sarah to be his wife when she was Abraham's wife. His entire household was punished by illness and he realized Abraham had not been truthful with him. (Genesis 12:15-20) The pharaoh was wise enough to realize why the plague had fallen upon his household, and quickly sent Sarah back to her rightful husband, restoring the line of history as the LORD ordained it.
There is a tragic irony to what happened. The young man's father always treated me respectfully and I appreciated that. When he took on his client, did he know the demand the client had made of a mother, that she stop communicating with her daughter for no apparent reason? It may never have crossed his mind that aligning himself with such malice, and with such an unloving act, might have implications for his own life. But of course, it could all just be coincidence.....
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Just livin' a good and happy life........
I've not visited here for quite some time. In re-reading my blogs, it feels very satisfying to be able to express my disappointment - and yes, my anger.
I love to grow things. I purchased a house for me and my handicapped son to live in last year December and we are very content. The yard was in miserable shape and I've been working very hard to get some things planted and settled before the dog days of 100+ degrees of heat hit us. I actually put the plan of the yard - back and front - on some log paper so I could draw out where I want to plant particular plants. Then I grin because the treacherous one (bagad) would not have agreed with any of my plans. He had this way of telling you to bring up your wishes when all the while he waited to express his - which, of course, would be the only logical choice.
One of the many things I learned NOT to do from my experience with him was to plant any sort of pine trees! Good LORD, they are a mess to have. Pine needles in every nook and cranny. No sun allowed through so smaller colorful perennials could grow underneath. And his first ex was a horticulturist! I can understand that she was probably manipulated into following his sssssuggestions as well.
My son Austin is graduating from high school this year. Had I not been evicted from the bagad's presence at the time I was, this year probably would have been a major turning point. My son has Down's Syndrome and is now 22. In the time I was married to the bagad, he constantly mentioned Austin moving out as soon as school was done. There are home arrangements where handicapped people can live with 2-3 other special needs people and have a caretaker who makes sure all is well. There have been horror stories of abuse going on in these arrangements - not always, of course. I am sure there are many good people who have a heart to care for the handicapped. But there are others who just collect their social security check and they live in horrible squalor. No food, filthy conditions, even physical or sexual abuse. I just could not see Austin living with anyone other than me. Why would I remove him - he is my son who has limited ability to live on his own?
Now the bagad maintained Austin needed his independence - and others were SO impressed with the bagad's concern for Austin's future. Yet it was all part of the plan to remove my family from me, to have only limited contact. The way daddy harry made sure things worked out with June. Her family rarely visits and she rarely visits them. When she was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma, not one of her children came to spend time with her. I think they all know harry for the abuser he is, and know they cannot convince their mother of his wickedness, so they've decided to let the situation just ride. What can you do? I would have defended the bagad to the ends of the earth until I was enlightened of the truth of who he was/is.
Some of the ridiculous things I recall the bagad saying in regards to my children and his being a step-parent:
"I didn't have anything to do with the pleasure of making that child, so why should I have to deal with the problems?"
"I was never given anything I didn't have to earn, why should they?"
"You should not have anything to do with your daughter, she has not been 'raised right' and has evil influence on you"
"Well, Austin, if you want to have a girlfriend/wife, you sure can't have that going on here in MY house."
I'm sure there are many more idiotic things he said but blessedly they elude me. It really has been a blessing to make decisions that don't involve walking on eggshells....."will he be mad if I want __________?" What wonderful freedom to not deal with his sneers, his rage, his need to be admired and schmoozed. It is truly a joy not to have to listen to his mommy dearest telephone calls every week. Her rudeness in excluding Austin and me from any family holiday greeting - as if she knew he would never have any woman in his life but mommy. Why go through the trouble of remembering a birthday for someone who won't be around long anyway?! I can only assume she is very pleased he is all hers once again.
Although, I could easily imagine him having hooked another victim. So many of us enable mr. hyde when we think we've met dr. jekyll. It all goes back to believing the devil's lies that we have no value. Sadly, women are just so happy when a man says "you are beautiful" or buys us some flowers...... Then an occasional harsh word can be forgiven.....right? It was just an isolated incident, right? I'm sure he realizes how his words have hurt me, right? I really shouldn't have expressed my opinion to make him mad, right? I'll just allow it - again, and again, and again, and again, right?
I love to grow things. I purchased a house for me and my handicapped son to live in last year December and we are very content. The yard was in miserable shape and I've been working very hard to get some things planted and settled before the dog days of 100+ degrees of heat hit us. I actually put the plan of the yard - back and front - on some log paper so I could draw out where I want to plant particular plants. Then I grin because the treacherous one (bagad) would not have agreed with any of my plans. He had this way of telling you to bring up your wishes when all the while he waited to express his - which, of course, would be the only logical choice.
One of the many things I learned NOT to do from my experience with him was to plant any sort of pine trees! Good LORD, they are a mess to have. Pine needles in every nook and cranny. No sun allowed through so smaller colorful perennials could grow underneath. And his first ex was a horticulturist! I can understand that she was probably manipulated into following his sssssuggestions as well.
My son Austin is graduating from high school this year. Had I not been evicted from the bagad's presence at the time I was, this year probably would have been a major turning point. My son has Down's Syndrome and is now 22. In the time I was married to the bagad, he constantly mentioned Austin moving out as soon as school was done. There are home arrangements where handicapped people can live with 2-3 other special needs people and have a caretaker who makes sure all is well. There have been horror stories of abuse going on in these arrangements - not always, of course. I am sure there are many good people who have a heart to care for the handicapped. But there are others who just collect their social security check and they live in horrible squalor. No food, filthy conditions, even physical or sexual abuse. I just could not see Austin living with anyone other than me. Why would I remove him - he is my son who has limited ability to live on his own?
Now the bagad maintained Austin needed his independence - and others were SO impressed with the bagad's concern for Austin's future. Yet it was all part of the plan to remove my family from me, to have only limited contact. The way daddy harry made sure things worked out with June. Her family rarely visits and she rarely visits them. When she was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma, not one of her children came to spend time with her. I think they all know harry for the abuser he is, and know they cannot convince their mother of his wickedness, so they've decided to let the situation just ride. What can you do? I would have defended the bagad to the ends of the earth until I was enlightened of the truth of who he was/is.
Some of the ridiculous things I recall the bagad saying in regards to my children and his being a step-parent:
"I didn't have anything to do with the pleasure of making that child, so why should I have to deal with the problems?"
"I was never given anything I didn't have to earn, why should they?"
"You should not have anything to do with your daughter, she has not been 'raised right' and has evil influence on you"
"Well, Austin, if you want to have a girlfriend/wife, you sure can't have that going on here in MY house."
I'm sure there are many more idiotic things he said but blessedly they elude me. It really has been a blessing to make decisions that don't involve walking on eggshells....."will he be mad if I want __________?" What wonderful freedom to not deal with his sneers, his rage, his need to be admired and schmoozed. It is truly a joy not to have to listen to his mommy dearest telephone calls every week. Her rudeness in excluding Austin and me from any family holiday greeting - as if she knew he would never have any woman in his life but mommy. Why go through the trouble of remembering a birthday for someone who won't be around long anyway?! I can only assume she is very pleased he is all hers once again.
Although, I could easily imagine him having hooked another victim. So many of us enable mr. hyde when we think we've met dr. jekyll. It all goes back to believing the devil's lies that we have no value. Sadly, women are just so happy when a man says "you are beautiful" or buys us some flowers...... Then an occasional harsh word can be forgiven.....right? It was just an isolated incident, right? I'm sure he realizes how his words have hurt me, right? I really shouldn't have expressed my opinion to make him mad, right? I'll just allow it - again, and again, and again, and again, right?
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